Happy Christmas Harry!

Merry Christmas from the Eliason Family!

 I thought about sending out Christmas Cards and then I was like "mmm...betta not". So instead enjoy this lovely Christmasy blogpost about our family and all we have been up to! I will do it in chronological order! 

Jordan...

 My sweet amazing husband has been deployed since June of this year. It has definitely been a learning experience for all of us. Jordan worked at sears up until his deployment. Shortly after he deployed he was promoted woohoo! He really enjoys being in the guard, and has resigned for another 6 years. We were lucky enough to go visit him in Texas along with his parents and we had a spectacular time. I truly have been blessed with amazing in-laws. I can't wait to have my husband home, and I am counting down the days to the so far non-existent coming home date. Here are some photos from our trip! 

Alex...

It is safe to say I am still weird as ever! I am still quirky and enjoy my embarrassing sense of humor. I however have made some life changing decisions this past year. One I finally decided on a major and I am super excited about it. I am majoring in Psychology and I can't wait to be out there helping people. I am back at school, and have survived the first term of the year. I couldn't have done it without the help of my supportive family, and Christ. I am trying my best to handle this deployment. It has been really difficult for me to be without Jordan. I have faced mountains, and more mountains. I know though I have only gotten to the other side because the savior was there leading me. I made the decision that it was time to quit taking my anxiety/depression medication because I felt confident enough I could handle my life without medical intervention. I have come to learn that what I feel while taking the medication is a lot different then how I feel not taking the medication. It has been intense and overwhelming but in the end I know I will feel so much better. It was really exciting to go to Texas and visit Jordan, it was my first time to Texas...everything really is bigger in Texas. Slowly but surely this deployment is going by. I am sorry so much of my writing is based on the deployment and emotions of it but seriously it is a huge part of our lives right now. Next year I am sure we will have more exciting news.

Braden...

 Braden turned 2 this year! He is officially potty trained during the days (still working on the nights). He is a ball full of energy sometimes positive, and sometimes not so positive. We are working on pushing and hitting but out of the biting phase (thank goodness). He really enjoyed his first airplane ride to see his Dad. He loves talking and introducing himself to people today at church he said this "Hello my name is Braden, I live with my mom at my house."
He can be crazy, and make me want to pull my hair out but he is sweet and caring as well. The other day I broke down in front of him and he just hugged me and said "I love you mommy." I know the deployment is hard on him, and randomly he will say "I miss daddy." but for the most part he gets through each day better than I do. If you ask him where his daddy is he will tell you "My daddy is in Afghanistan."
His vocabulary is large, and sometimes I am blown away by the conversations we have. I forget that he is a 2 year old. He makes me laugh, and brings light to my darker days.


He is really into the Ninja Turtles right now and if you ask him what his favorite color is he will reply "Mikey" his favorite song is also "Mikey". He loves One Direction especially Harry Styles(Thanks to my little sister Jordan Danae). His actually favorite songs include: What does the Fox Say(he knows all the words), I'm sexy and I know it(I know I am a terrible person but he loves it), and any One Direction song. He actually has memorized a lot of lyrics and when I am randomly belting out songs he chimes in(which isn't always a good thing) The other day I was singing "I got to stay high all the time..." and he finished with "To keep you off my mind ooooooooaaaoooooo"
He keeps me on my toes, and is a great reminder for me to be a better person. He still loves to swim, and has even jumped in the pool a few times. He used to like the slide at Splash until Jordan went too fast with him. He is a very emotional little guy. He also has a really good memory and talks about things I have forgotten. I love him so much.
Braden Quote(talking to my cell phone): Google send me to One Direction.

Blake...

What a year for Blake! He turned 1 in October! He has 8 teeth, he is walking, and starting to sign. His vocabulary is limited as this point he says "Dada" when looking at pictures of Jordan, and he cries for his "Mama" other than that it is pretty much hilarious nonsense. He can sign milk and only cares to sign milk. He is not sleeping through the night and never has! Along with eating pretty much everything he can get his hands on he is still nursing. He has crazy "Gary Bucey" hair Jordan will not allow me to cut until he gets home.
Blake has separation anxiety and will follow me around the house crying because he is afraid I will leave. Seriously I can't even go to the bathroom. He is a big cuddle bug and I love it. He also is shy around new people, but once he gets to know you, he doesn't want you to leave. He doesn't really understand what no means and we are working on him being soft with his cousins and the cats.
He really does love to eat, and enjoys all kinds of food and we he is done he will throw the left over food onto the ground. He is my little guy and weighs the same as Braden did at 9 months.

He is also my little dare devil, it is like he has no sense of fear. He climbs everything he can and then laughs at me when I come chasing after him. I swear the both of these boys will make me grey before I am 30. He has such a fun personality, and is a complete goofball to be around. He is bow-legged and it causes him to trip on his own feet a lot he is funny because once he falls he just sort of lays sprawled out on the ground for a little bit like he planned it. He will run and tackle you if you are on the ground, and he is always walking around with is arms spread wide open offering free hugs.

Until Next Time...

I am sure I left lots out, if you have any questions on how we are doing, or the boys are doing please message me or comment below and I will try my best to remember to respond back to you. Looking back at our year I know that it wouldn't have been so successful without the constant companionship of the Savior. I was thinking today in church where yes I cried again about how the Savior blesses my life. I often think of the Footprints in the Sand story and how the man looks back and only sees one set of footprints and the lord replies "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." I know during my time of trial that the Lord has carried me, has held me and allowed me to cry and weep. He has wept with me, and been a comfort. I know many of you are praying for my family, and I. Please know the prayers are felt, and they are so desperately needed. Also know when you ask me how I am doing and I reply "I am okay." I am not okay, I am far from okay. I try to be okay, and through the Atonement of Christ I make it. I may not be okay, but I make it. I wouldn't make it if I did not have the Savior, or people loving and supporting me. I love you all and hope you have a great Christmas!

The most intimate thing I miss.

My husband has been deployed for almost 100 days, and not lived in our home since June. Today I am going to get intimate with you and discuss intimacy.

My good friend Google defines intimacy as so: in·ti·ma·cy
ˈin(t)əməsē/
noun
noun: intimacy
close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
"the intimacy between a husband and wife"
synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; informalchumminess
"the sisters reestablished their old intimacy"
a private cozy atmosphere.
"the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it"
an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse.
synonyms: sexual relations, (sexual) intercourse, sex, lovemaking; More
an intimate remark.
plural noun: intimacies
"here she was sitting swapping intimacies with a stranger"
closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.
"he acquired an intimacy with Swahili literature"

Let us get to it and discuss which definition of intimacy I miss the most and believe to play a vital role in a relationship at least my relationship with my husband. 
close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
"the intimacy between a husband and wife"
synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence

You thought I was going to talk about physical intimacy didn't you? Nope I want to talk about the togetherness of intimacy. The act of laying in bed with your head on his chest, his heart beating your name and yours beats his. All the world around you vanishes and for a moment you feel you are quite possibly in a different dimension. Euphoria flows through as you breathe in sync. Troubles are lost, peace vibrates through the room. It is a spiritual experience that you don't want to spend with anyone else. Because that person your head is laying on he is your person, he gets you, loves you every step of the way, he knows when to just hold you, he knows how to comfort you keep your head above water in the storms of bad days. He gently leads you to your rightful place by his side. You are his queen, he would do anything for you and you for him. He is rooted in the gospel of Christ he understands that he wants you there with him to be received by the Lord and all his glory. He is what you miss, his intimate companionship.

I truly hoped I conveyed my feelings in a way that is understandable. You don't have to be physically intimate to be in an intimate relationship. I honestly can live without physical intimacy, it is the emotional intimacy I miss most.

That one time in college I cried...in front of my classmates

As many of you know(which is no one because seriously who reads this) I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints "Mormon", I am also a college student. This term I took a class English 107 Intro to Early Literature. Our class included reading  the Hebrew Bible, The Ramayana(which I loved), Rumi, Sappho, Aristotle, Plato, The Tale of 1001 Nights (also loved), The Yang Poets(super loved), etc. It was all pretty ancient I mean thousands of years B.C. ancient. Like the first text ever written down kind of stuff. I say written down because oral stories have been around since the beginning.
Early on in our class my teacher let us know we would be given the opportunity to share a piece of literature with the class as a presentation. I jumped at the chance and thought what a great way to share The Book of Mormon. This class was a class based on fiction works, everything we read we read as if it were fictional. I knew going into my presentation that I was going to present the writings I felt to be true, as fictional if I chose to do my presentation on The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is full of wonderful stories, and I wanted to share those stories even if it mean I was to share them as fiction.
I wrote my presentation proposal and got the go ahead from my teacher. She said as long as I understood my presentation would be to highlight the stories and that it would be considered as fictional it was okay. I understood what she wanted me to do and I began preparing. I was to give a brief history or summary of The Book of Mormon and choose one or two stories to share with the class. I didn't want my presentation to be too long so I narrowed it down to two stories and decided between the story of Enos, and the story of Ammon.

Day of my presentation

I was really nervous which is normal for me before a presentation. I went into class as prepared as I thought I could be. I began with my short history who, what where and when. This is Lehi he and his family left Jerusalem this is a record of the people in America. A showed one picture of Joseph Smith but asked told the class not to worry about him because he wasn't important he just translated the text later on. We were looking at the stories of the text which dates to before Christ. I decided to share Enos's story, and my favorite verses to highlight the way the text was written. We talked a little bit about Joseph Campbells ideas on Mythology and how we could draw connection from that with The Book of Mormon. I finished in the appropriate amount of time a short and sweet 10 minute presentation...but then

I asked Does Anyone Have Any Questions?

A hand shot up faster than one of Katniss's arrows. "I don't feel this an appropriate text for this class since Joseph Smith translated it in the 1800's. Also there is no proof of the Book of Mormon really existing. National Geographic doesn't even acknowledge it." (My teacher approved my proposal so therefore she made it appropriate.) My heart jumped to my throat and I replied "There is actually recent documentation of bones found that correlate with happenings of The Book of Mormon, and there is the witnesses." 

Bam another arrow shot at me "There is proof that Joseph Smith forged the Book of Abraham in The Book of Mormon.--" 

I interrupt "The book of Abraham?" 

"Yeah the book of Abraham." 

"There is no book of Abraham in The Book of Mormon."(It is in the pearl of great price and we know he took someone else's words it is called the Joseph Smith translation)

Back and forth these two individuals fed off of one another and ripped into me about the authenticity of The Book of Mormon.(Remember when I said this was a fiction class, and I was presenting it as fiction...I don't think they remember that.)

Finally after about 45 minutes of a one-sided debate my teacher chimed in "I let Alex do this project. Why is it the Western Religious writings cause so much heat?"

The Part that got me

"I felt like SHE was PREACHING at me." 

 We then spent another 10 minutes discussing why people get so upset over western religious stories but can read the Ramayana and feel fine. Did you know that people out there believe what happened in the Ramayana really happened, just like I believe what happened in The Book of Mormon really happened. What is truth to one, is a fictional story to others. Who draws the line? Is it black and white or a blurry grey area. It is most definitely a blurry grey area. 

"I felt like SHE was PREACHING at me." 

That right there you guys is what got me. I no way intended to go up there and preach to them, I only wanted to share stories I grew up listening too. I think it hurt so bad because it felt like it was a jab at my character. I am not a preacher, I do not push my beliefs on anyone. I have friends, family, who are not members of the church who have left the church, and I am open minded I love them just the way they are. I know as a disciple of Christ it is not my place to judge, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ I know I am supposed to help spread the gospel, and that for me has never been by preaching. It isn't me, it has never been me, and it probably won't ever be me. And then...

I cried

Not because they were ripping my religion apart in front of me, trying to make me doubt, no I cried like a baby in front of a group of 25 college students because someone felt I was preaching to them. I sobbed and said "I am not that person, and I never intended to come off as preaching." Through ugly breaths of tears I apologized and unable to speak through the tears I took my seat. I sat through the remainder of class with tears streaming down my face as I thought about my public humiliation. I so badly wanted to get up and run out of class but I remained sniffling in my seat for the next hour of class. Two more presentations were given (appropriately 10 minutes long)  and finally class was over, I escaped quickly out the door and never looked back. I walked to my car, got inside of it and for the upteenth time I cried again like a baby. 

Looking Back

I feel like there are several things I could have done differently. One being when asked about Joseph Smith I could have politely responded "You know my presentation is just on the stories of the people of The Book of Mormon, if you would like to discuss Joseph Smith I will gladly talk with you after class."(Boom situation averted! Yay everyone claps) But no I didn't do that. I could have gone with bloody Ammon(pun intended) instead of prayerful Enos. The guys would have loved all the arms and gore. I didn't though and there is nothing I can do to change that. All I know is that it was an experience I hope to never live through again, also I am grateful for it to. It has taught me a lot about myself, others, and society too. 

Before My Frontal Lobe was fully developed.

Everything is falling beautifully into place. I finally decided on a major and I am beyond excited to see it all working out. I am going to be a Psychologist, I haven't decided if I will be a High School Psychologist or teach Psychology at college level. Either way I will major in Psychology and master in Education.
I have been learning the coolest things about the brain, and body you guys! It seriously is so cool!

I specifically want to talk about the frontal lobe and my experience with it. Below are a generalization of the roles each lobe plays.  

Studies show(expect to hear that a lot from me lol) that your Frontal lobe is not fully developed until you are about the age of 24. Also as you age specifically hit your 80's, 90's, your brain begins to revert to it's beginning stages in the frontal lobe. (kind of like Benjamin Button) Young Men seem to struggle a lot more with frontal lobe development than young women. However women are not exempt and now I will share several examples that prove my frontal lobe was not fully developed. It helps explain though why young men, and old people can sometimes be just a tad bit immature.Like that one time your grandpa hit on your best friend...I mean if that ever happened because it didn't. 

Instance number 1 The Runaway Teen

Once upon a time I was a frustrated 17 year old girl. Mad at the world I packed suitcases and decided it was time for me to run away. In the heat of the moment I made my move. I drug my suitcases to my car piled them in, and locked myself in the car. I sat here probably for about 45 minutes. Jordan(boyfriend at the time husband now) shows up and we proceed to have this conversation.

Jordan: You ran away?

Alex; YES!

Jordan: To your car?

Alex: YES!(obviously I was in the car!)

Jordan: To your broken down car in your parents driveway?

Alex: YES!!(did I fail to mention that I ran away to my car that was broken down in my parents driveway)

Jordan just laughed and walked into my house, later on my dad (the one who calmly tries to fix it) knocks lightly on the door, says something sensible I agree grabs my suitcases and rolls them into the house for me. 

Instance number 2 The Bookshelf

Once upon a time I bought a cheap bookshelf from Walmart. I wanted so badly to piece it all together myself. What began hopeful soon turned sour, I was so frustrated I swear I was doing everything right. Jordan(still boyfriend) knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I needed help. At this point I realized I had completely done it wrong and definitely  needed help...however my frontal lobe was like "Alex you got this. What you should do is grab everything soft and chuck it at Jordan he is the one messing you up." (everything soft because I didn't want to hurt him) Thus ensues a battle of flying monkeys, bears, and pillows Jordan dodged left and right and finally retreated. We both were in tears his from laughter mine from frustration. I sat in a pile of self defeat, then a soft knock at the door of course it is my Dad he says something sensible, I listen he comes in pieces the book shelf together and leaves me to decorating it happily. 

Instance number 3 The Fone

Man dealing with me before my frontal lobe was fully developed must have taken a lot of effort. Kudos to all who dealt with me! I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 15 years old and technically I had to share it with my 12 year old sister...which I considered bogus! I was on said phone, Jordan(sister) asked to have it. I replied No. A battle of words began back and forth we fought and my final sentence ended the fight...and began a fit of laughter. 

I yelled "IT'S MY PHONE! F-O-N-E! I SPELT IT RIGHT TOO!"

Silence....

More Silence...

"I spelt it wrong didn't I?"

Laughter Fit

I chose to highlight my funnier pre-frontal lobe development. Unfortunately I have sad stories that also show my lacking frontal lobe development. Let's just be happy! 

Wait there is more...

Instance number 4 The Game of Life...

Once upon a time I was at my best friend Danikas' house. We were playing the game of life, and I was doing pretty well. I was a doctor had a huge salary, kept landing on free handouts, I was flying hi. Then my best friend and other friend decided to play a trick on me. They both accused me of cheating, I swore I wasn't but they continued to say I was cheating and lying. Fully developed frontal lobe Alex would had laughed it off, and said it is just a silly game...that Alex wasn't there. The Alex that was there grabbed the game threw it up in the air yelling...no screaming "I am not a cheater!" She then ran outside barefoot into typical Oregon weather buckets of rain. I guess I could have walked home but my mom was inside where I just had my not fully developed frontal lobe meltdown. 

Dear Frontal Lobe, thanks for taking your sweet time developing. 

You and Me

 Look at me, really look please just see me.

You look at me in shades of grey when I have lost my way

You see me in yellow as my joy brings the sun’s rays

But I am always tinted in red.

Don't deny it you don't see just me you see red and it is screaming of infidelity.

You have watched me in green foaming with jealousy

And loved me in hues of pink

But always I am shadowed by red and it screams of my infidelity.

You have witnessed me in white gleaming with innocence

Watched me fight through my blackest days

But it is in red I will always stay,

Screaming my infidelities

Who has painted me this way?

You reply I see you for you

You see me in green dripping with Jealousy

You see me in blue a whirlwind of my past

In red I have fought my way

A muddy brown speaks of the miles we've come

But hues of green, dripping with Jealousy

Just see me

You and Me

Silence the whispers that paint us this way

You are the artist I am the key

Just see me

Silence

Jealousy

Infidelity

Silence

You and Me

Love is all we see

Baby this Mama is Crazy: Follow my Toddler on Twitter

As the world continues to advance technology wise I find myself adapting. I am an old fashioned kinda gal I would take a real book over an e-book any day. When it comes to my children I have decided to continue an old fashioned baby book, and also adapt to the world around me.
I have created an email account for both Braden and Blake. By doing so I hope to email them weekly, monthly,  or whenever I remember about our lives. My emails will most likely be what we did that day, a story about them, things they like/dislike, and pictures I have taken of them recently.  My hopes in creating the emails is so one day I give them the password and the email account reflects a happy fulfilling childhood.
Babies and toddlers have Facebook now, and I get it. I can remember thinking why would someone do that. Now I know it is a way to keep track of memories. Create a Facebook, an email, or an instagram. Share with your babies what they did today, share how much you love them.
I don't know if my boys will even care later on, but I know in my heart that there is a purpose behind my madness. I love my kids, and this is a quick easy way to express my love a little more to them.

Remember to each their own.

Baby this Mama is Crazy: The Sock War

Let me introduce you to my 1 year old Blake. He loves to pull his socks of his little toesies with a passion! It happens to be getting colder, and he needs socks on his toes. I put socks on he takes them off, I put them back on he takes them off. Ladies and Gents it is a constant battle, one I always end up losing! And when I lose those poor little toes turn purple from the cold, and concerned people say "Why isn't your son wearing socks." 

This Mama was tired of the sock war, and all the comments from concerned individuals. So what did I do I went out and I bought my son thick tights that are meant for girls. One grey pair and one blue pair to start out with! Guess what those tights stay on his toes, his toes stay warm, and you can't even tell he is wearing tights unless you change his diaper. 

I began to search for tights for boys, which are hard to come by because apparently I am the only person who has ever thought of this...NO! H&M has super cute tights for boys, they are dinosaurs, cars, stripes, they are adorable. My toddler wants to wear them. Maybe someone will see this and tap into a boy tights industry because seriously I would by them, and I am sure many mommas facing the sock war would invest in tights too. 

Look what is on it's way for Christmas...

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

My mind sometimes wanders to the past, especially to my several failed relationships. Five to be exact, I am not as crazy as some of you think. For the longest time I fought myself, I didn't want to accept the fact that a part of me had loved any part of them. I was embarrassed, ashamed that things didn't work out.
Don't get me wrong I am madly in love with Jordan. I am happy he is my husband, and grateful he is mine for eternity. It is hard though to forget the past because I always feel there is something wrong with me and that is why my relationships failed. I am having a hard time letting it go I need to know why, or what I did wrong.
I am going to pause now take a deep breath and look at this differently.
We will refer to my failed relationships as FR.
The first thing I need to do obviously after breathing is accept the fact that some part of me loved FR, and because I am human and have a heart that part of me will always care about FR. I do not need to obsess over the reason/reasons why FR and I did not last. Instead I want to look at the time we shared with happiness, and not regret. Regret is such a heavy emotion it is something I don't need in my life. As I grow older unfortunately I find it easier to pinpoint moments in my life of immaturity. Said immature moments caused me to behave in ways I hope I never repeat.
I want to talk about the part of me that cares for FR. That does not mean I dote on them, and hope they dote on me. It means I wish them happiness in all areas of there life. It means I want them to be successful, to have families, to love and be loved. I would hope if ever they think of me they wish the same things for me.
The hardest part at failed relationships is the loss of the friend not the boyfriend. It is very difficult but possible to remain friends after a failed relationship. You wish you could go back and save yourself  from the pain of losing them, but you can't. You can only move forward. Understand this nothing will be the same, it will never go back to how it was.
So what do you do with that? You take a deep breath, accept it, let it go, and move on.
Why? Because you know they are happy, they are loved. Also you have a super hot army man that chose you to be his wife, and mother of his children. You wouldn't change any part of the past because the past made you the person yoy are today. You are grateful for all aspects of the relationship the beginning and the end. You are grateful because it gave you knowledge, you are a better person because of it. You are happy, you are loved, and when you think of FR you smile at the memories, and lessons learned. You are going to be okay.

I am not okay

October 26th 2014

Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes. 

I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.

With Love, 

Alexandria 

It's Where my Demons Hide

It catches me off guard
The deep sadness that is your absence
Engulfs me in a dark flame
I scream but no one hears your name
Why can't it be different? 
Why can't you be here?
The smile etched across my face
It twitches slightly as I lose my grip
I am painfully silent
But that tear will slip
I hate this heartache that's been sent
The fire it burns but the water it drowns
Mask, mask, masquerade
Play it safe, keep it close
Breathe it in and push it down
Find a beat
Thump...thump..?...thump
It's there can't you see an irregularity
Darkness, light, sadness, hope
Wash, rinse, repeat
On the pyre I find the peace
Now I sleep...

Grace

There is an aching in my soul
A deep pain that I think no one else can know
I am alone, afraid, and I hurt
The despair chains me from the ankle
I fight to free myself, I search for a way
It is through his grace
Grace that lifts my burdens
Grace that heals my heart
Grace dries my tears, grace conquers my fears
I have wondered times if he has forgot, forgot me in my pain
I look back and see
That it was his grace that carried me
Grace answers for my sins
Grace forgives, grace forgets
When the world is ignorant to my pain
When the shadow has overcome the light
It is in his arms weeping I will stay the night
He will defend my soul
He has carried out my sentence
They hung him on a cross
They cursed his name, pierced his body
I cannot imagine the pain he felt
He did not have to drink from the bitter cup
The choice was his he could of said enough
But he died for me
For my children, for you, for all mankind
And for that I am forever grateful and indebted
My pain still comes
The sacrifice forgotten
With humility I always remember
And with his Grace he always forgives

Wordless Wednesday

Everyone remembers nothing is erased

I want you gone
It is unfair
It is wrong
You shouldn't be allowed to hold me like this
I shouldn't still taste your kiss
Leave me be with the shadows you left
Don't pull me in for a second of hope
I read to deeply, I see too much
It aches, it scars, it hurts
You said it was love
That I was your only
Mi Amour you spoke
Lies, deception
Days to months, months to years
I still question, wonder at you
I remember everything
Do you?
Do you remember what you promised me?
Do you remember stealing a kiss?
Hours in each others arms
You were so good at leaving
But a part of you has stayed
Do you see me?
Is there a small part of you that wonders?
Why won't you set me free
Set me free from your chains
Please
Everyone remembers nothing is erased
There is always a price
When will ours be paid
Let me go
Lay the ribbon to rest

Mon Âme

The Moon to the tide
He pulls on me
The Willow in the wind
Bonded for eternity
If his heart breaks
Mine as well will ache
It is not dependency
But souls intertwined as one
He is my heart, he is my reason,
The thing that keeps me breathing
If he is the thunder, I am the lightening
He is the better half of me
I thought I knew love before him
I thought I could love after him
But true love was always back to him
It was and will always be him
Wolf to the Moon he calls to me
Sand to the Sea
Always, always part of me.

Into the Madness

                            

Into the Madness

I am on a Journey

And I seemed to have lost my way

The fog it thickens

My mind wanders

Is it night or could it be

Day?

The path is worn 

But the wilderness is overgrown

Like lace across my face

The cobweb sticks

Ophelia, Ophelia

I laugh and the abyss responds

My gentle Love takes my hand 

I dance spinning round and round

The dandelions begin to flutter

Stars twinkle their eyes

Alice, Alice

Darkness envelops me

I relish in it's escape

I am crazed, Ha crazed

Find me an answer, Find me the one

The girl is tortured let's have some fun

Bellatrix, Bellatrix

I allow myself to be taken up into the Madness

For the moment the character is more enjoyable than the pain

I get them, I understand their story

Behind the craze there is a face

Behind the face there is a heart

At the heart is where it all will start

I love the Madness I find it beautiful, eloquent almost

I love the beauty

In the mirror I see

In them I find a little part of me

I am Ophelia heartbroken, I am Alice imaginative, I am Bellatrix misguided. I am me, I am them, where does it start? Right where it will end. 

Musical Monday: The Civil Wars

Today introduces my first Musical Monday. Every Monday that I remember to post I will share a band that I enjoy listening to. Some bands may be widely known, while others you may have never heard of. Either way I hope you enjoy. Also feel free to post new bands for me to check out in the comments below. I love music, and finding new bands.
My first Musical Monday spotlight is going to be The Civil Wars. I first listened to The Civil Wars in 2011, the sang back up for Taylor Swifts song Safe and Sound featured on the Hunger Games soundtrack. The Civil Wars began playing together in 2009 they reached a career high in 2012 when they were nominated and won two Grammy's. I instantly purchased their album after listening to them perform Poison and Wine.

Not only did I like their sound, but I also appreciate their lyrics. I think they are beautifully written, and really speak the truth. It also is a major plus that the male lead vocalist totally looks like he could be Johnny Depp's brother. They also do a couple songs in french that are beautiful. I love their voices, I find them soothing and extremely beautiful. I hope to hear more and more from The Civil Wars!

I am Poem

I did something a little different today an I am poem. We did these in High School and I really enjoyed it. My High School one is a lot different than the one I wrote today. I encourage you to do your own "I Am" poem it is fun. I think I will do one every year and see what parts of me change and what parts are constant. The I Am poem I did today I got from a template here is the link if you would like to do it. And please if you are comfortable share below in the comments your poem I would love to read it. You could even post anonymously! 

I Am

I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend
I wonder if I am raising them right
I hear the cries and laughter of my children
I see smiles, and frustration wrapped up in one
I want him not to leave
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

I pretend I am a Mudblood of Harry Potter
I feel the heaviness of the fog
I touch a melody as it passes through the air
I worry he wont come home
I cry about being alone
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

I understand the gospel of Christ
I say I am a daughter of God
I dream seeing my children grow
I try to be the best person I can be
I hope I am making them proud
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

For Safety, for safety

No one I can talk to

 No one to understand

 So I will become a chest

 Full of secrets and treasures

 As my ship sails out my anchor will fail

 I will take it all to the watery grave

 Don't wonder I ask

 Don't question

 I cannot say

 I cannot whisper

 All is heard

 Leave me be in the chains that bind me

 It is not what I want but what I need

 If I could I would let you in

 I would try and swim

 But remember it is my burden alone

 For safety, for safety

 I will sink the chest while the ship has sailed

 For safety, for safety

Mom Moments

I know I am a little late on this post but I wanted to ponder more before I wrote this. There are defining moments in my life when people who were not my mother, reached out and mothered me. These moments are imprinted in my soul, and they shaped me into the woman/mother I am today. But before I talk about these other mom moments, I want to talk about my mom.

My mother aka Suzie, where do I begin? My mother is truly amazing. Not only has my mom put on armor and fought battles for me no mom should have to fight, she endured my teenage years. As a mother all she wanted to do was protect me but I was/am stubborn. She warned me the burner was hot and I would stick my tongue out and place my hand right on the flaming burner. I got burned and I would always come crying back to her. She would hold me and love me, she didn’t say I told you so, she just loved me. I can only imagine how that must have hurt her to watch me do things she warned would only hurt me in the end. There are so many wonderful qualities I inherited from my mother. Her compassion, her humor, her ADHD, her stubbornness, her flare for the dramatics, okay maybe some aren’t wonderful but hey I am not complaining. The person I am today is because two people fell in love and made me.. well they made me, me. I have countless memories of awesome mom moments with my mom. She is my most favorite/worst person to gossip with. Favorite because she has some juicy gossip and always is entertaining, worst because she is terrible about keeping gossip to herself lol. My mom needs sensory breaks because our family is well a little overwhelming. Those breaks almost always get interrupted by a phone call, a knock at her door, or an adult child throwing themselves over her bed sighing “Woe is me”. I don’t think she realizes how much we love her; we love her so much that we need to constantly surround ourselves with her! I could go on forever about how much I love my mom, and how she means the world to me and trust me you wouldn’t get bored most of our stories end with someone peeing there pants (I won’t say who only that out of all the girls in our family I never pee my pants…anymore), or our version of ridiculousness. My mom rocks and I am so grateful that my children have her as their Grammie!

Lesson #1 Always love unconditionally!

The first person I want to talk about is Christi Evans Boyter. I took it really hard when I heard that one of my favorite young women’s leaders was going to be moving to Idaho. I was devastated I felt such a deep connection to Christi and I didn’t want to lose that I felt that she got me; she really understood the trials I was facing at the time. I can remember standing outside the River Road building on her last Sunday I can remember feeling a deep sadness as I went to hug my leader. I don’t remember the exact words she spoke to me but I remember the deep sadness leaving and such an overwhelming wave of love wash over me as she took me in her arms and hugged me. Right there I learned a valuable lesson you didn’t have to be someone’s daughter to be loved like you were their daughter. She loved me unconditionally and it is a moment I will never forget.

Lesson #2 You can love others as if they are your own and it is okay.

Meryni Hall has been in my life for almost 19 years. And in those 19 years she has always treated me like her own daughter. She has felt the heartbreak of breakups, she has felt the budding of new love, and she was there with me when I was sealed for time and all eternity to my best friend.  She raised 3 beautiful children, who will always be my second family. She has triumphed through trials, she has protected me from harsh words, she truly is wonderful and a mother I would be glad to call my own.

Lesson #3 It is always safe to have two mama bears to protect you from the cruelness of the world.

Stephanie Jensen she was always so very kind to me. I will never forget a time we were all sick and she let me come over and be sick with all her kids. She made sure we never ran out of ginger ale and we all had warm blankets. Another time I had a dress that needed mending in the upper chest department I had no idea how to sew and my mom was at school, so I ran over to Stephanie and she grabbed a needle and thread and stitched me right up!

Lesson #4 Help others when given the opportunity…also it is always handy to know how to sew!

Jody Smith aka mother to the most awesome people in the world. I don’t even know where to start. You were my mother away from home during my short move to Utah. Since I can remember you have always opened your home and heart to any that come your way. I love you so much! You do so much, and you are loved by so many. You deserve all the love in the world. Your strength and courage is so admirable. I never ever want to be on your bad side ;D This woman takes care of her own and is the best mama bear around! I know if I were to ask each of her children they could probably write a Harry Potter Series each of how wonderful their mom is. You are the best!!

Lesson #5 By loving all you leave an amazing legacy.

My last person I want to talk about is my sister Sam. Sam had mom moments with me long before she was a mom herself. She has always been a wonderful example of love, laughter, and strength. She has endured pain, and overcome that pain with a Queen’s grace. She has faced the chaos of the world and shouted “Bring it on”. I love her so very much and I am so grateful I am able to spend pretty much every day with her. I get to learn from her, laugh at her, and be around her! My life is truly amazing.

Lesson #6 You can start being a mom long before you have children! There are lots of people out there like me who needed these extra mom moments to help them along the way.

I found that every moment I went to write about one of these women I was left speech less. I didn’t know where to begin on how much they mean to me. These are just a handful of women who have shown me love and compassion in moments in my life. I am so glad I have wonderful examples like them to look up to. I wouldn’t trade out any of these moments. I hope that there are people out there who think this way of me. I pray I live by these 5 lessons, and I pray that I have more mom moments in my life so I am reminded how deeply I am loved by others. That I am worth the time these women spent on me. 

I dreamed a dream...

I have always been a very vivid dreamer. I dream at least three times a night and I always remember them. They play over and over in my mind sometimes I can’t put them in to words but they are always there in my mind. They are not always good dreams, sometimes the dreams are nightmares. Sometimes I dream of the past; of people I loved, people I still love, but they are people I have lost. It does not mean they have died, but they are lost to me now. Sometimes I dream of those who have passed as well. It hurts because my heart longs for them, but my head knows it is only a dream. Still I cherish those brief moments that seem like minutes but are probably hours.

There are some people who don’t dream or they dream but don’t remember it, I am actually quite envious of them. My husband is one of those people. There have been countless nights I have woke him up and asked him to go check to make sure the door is locked because I had a bad dream. I ask him as I lay in his arms my heart racing the shivers of fear slowly dying down, “Do you dream? Are they bad dreams?” his sleepy reply “No, I don’t remember my dreams. Go back to sleep it was only a dream.”

That horrid phrase “It was only just a dream.” Just a dream it felt real and sometimes dreams become our realities though. Such as I dreamt of becoming a Mom and I am one. Where do you draw the line between the two? What dreams are just dreams? And what dreams become realities? I have to stop myself sometimes from diving to deeply into the interpretation of my dreams. I think because the line between the two is so blurry. If you let yourself get carried away by the dreams you could be lost forever to not living. If you let paranoia take over you begin to quit living your life. I dreamt of a black cat therefore I am not leaving the house today. Dream interpretation is so very complicated; I think that if the dream is supposed to mean something it will eventually make sense.

Have you ever dreamt something and the very next day it happened? One night I dreamt that my families Suburban had been broken into, the people tried coming after me but I was able to get away. Come to find out the next day the Suburban really had been broken into. After my uncle died I dreamt of him. I remember it to this day. He was in a shack like house and told me to tell everyone that he was at peace. He then asked me to go get my dad so he could talk to him. I don’t know what he said to my dad I just know in the dream my dad went in the house and they talked for a long time.

I think one of the scary things about dreams is we feel we are not in control. I mentioned to a co-worker last summer as Jordan was away at annual training that I was having nightmares on repeat. He mentioned that he had suffered from nightmares and suggested the idea of lucid dreaming. And so began my journey of controlling the dreams. It doesn’t always work but sometimes I am able to realize I am dreaming and manipulate the dream to my desire. Most of the time though once I realize I am dreaming it causes an Inception sort of effect and my dream world collapses in on itself.

I began writing this post earlier this week and just got back to it. The funny thing about this is the night after I started writing this I woke up to my husband yelling in his sleep. I shook him awake and he fell right back to sleep. The next morning I asked him if he remembered his dreams from the night before. He said he remembered two of them and they were both bad dreams.

The dream world is such a confusing one, and I have many questions about it. I hate and love that I remember my dreams, and that I dream so vividly. It is such a complicated relationship to have. One day I am sure to have all the answers to dreams, but until then I’ll keep on dreaming. 

Wordless Wednesday

Baby this Mama is Crazy: Baby products this mama loves!

Baby this Mama is Crazy

This is a new part of my blog where I will share things I love, things I hate, and everyday life as I adapt to motherhood, and raising children. Bear in mind this is only my opinion and you have the right to disagree with me on any topic. I would expect from you what you should expect from me respect for ones opinion, and leaving the judgement of one another to God. I know sometimes I will not adhere to these things because I am not perfect, forgive me for that and I will remember to forgive you too. Also I recommend any product I mention check and see if a local friend has it first and try it before you commit to purchasing it. Some products are spendy but well worth it, some are expensive but if your crafty like my mother Suzanne, and my sisters Sam and Jordan you can do them yourself and save mucho denaro, some products are expensive and suck test it before you purchase it! 

SwaddleMe Wraps

My top favorite baby product is the swaddle blankets with velcro for the swaddle impaired like Jordan and myself. The nurses at the hospital couldn't quite figure out how to work these because they actually knew how to swaddle but for those who struggle with getting a tight snug swaddle these awesome blankets are the best and I totally recommend using them. If we didn't get one of these at our baby shower with Braden we probably would have never slept the first couple of months. Weaning from swaddling was super easy with Braden he basically weaned himself, however with Blake who is almost 6 months we are still swaddling him and when we try to not swaddle him it is a disaster. With most baby products you will find that different things will work with one child, and not the other. Remember all babies are different and if your baby does not like being swaddled it doesn't mean he hated your womb and you failed as a parent. Take a deep breath, kiss your precious little babies forehead and it will all be okay I promise! Here is a link to my favorite swaddle makers website http://www.summerinfant.com/nursery/swaddling/swaddle-resources

Wubbanub

Not only are these things super cute they are awesome for your newborn baby who loves to cling onto things. They can wrap their chubby cute little arms around the animal and the pacifier stays safely in the mouth. Now if your children are like mine they will wean themselves off a pacifier but 2 months. So as much as I love these guys they have been tossed in the no longer in use box. 

Nose Frida

If you are not familiar with the Nose Frida you probably are a little freaked out right now. Take a deep breath, kiss your precious babies forehead, it is going to be okay! I seriously love this product sooooo much. The syringe bulb you get from the  hospital is a nice product as well but the difference between these two products is what makes me Team Nose Frida. One the Nose Frida is super easy to clean, most of the pieces are clear so you can see if you have missed any snot boogies. It is super easy to use, and kind of gratifying in a weird way. I put a little bit of saline in babies nose before I use the Nose Frida, then I stick the chubby crayon looking piece in babies nose, red piece goes in your mouth and you suck the snot out of your babies congested nasal passage. Take a deep breath, kiss your precious baby, it is really okay I promise! My children scream and cry when I use the bulb syringe however when I use the Nose Frida no screaming no crying, and quickly my baby is breathing through their nose again. This product is for all ages too! I use it on Braden who is two, and I have even experimented on myself to make sure my children were not being tortured by this device...but mainly I was curious as to how good it works. It works! 

Next time on Baby this Mama is Crazy

I will answer any questions people have about the first three products I shared, and I will share my next favorite products including Ergo's, Homemade Moby Wraps, and Nursing Covers. Have you seen me use a product I haven't mentioned? Would you like my opinion on said product? Ask away! Also feel free to share below your favorite baby product. I am always excited to try new things, and to make sure my baby is a happy camper! I'm also going to dive deeply into homemade products because those seriously have been my children's favorite products those products include; crack blankets, Gimli's, previous mentioned moby wraps, nursing covers, burp cloths, and slings. 

This Mama: Breastfeeds, formula feeds(if necessary), baby wears, doesn't always baby wear, disposable diapers, breastfeeds in public, does baby led weaning, extended rear-facing, occasional co-sleeps, and does her best to not judge how others are doing things. 

Moments in my mind.

Sometimes out of the blue a memory catches me off guard, instantly a wave of emotion washes over me and in that very moment I am consumed by pain. I'm not just talking about bad things but sometimes the happy things hurt too. For example sometimes I look at my sweet sleeping child and my heart literally hurts. It aches with love, but it hurts too. We all lose people, animals, and things we love. The memories of those things I have lost cause me the most pain. Sometimes I can bear it, but for most of the time the memory hurts. My mind is always drawn back to Duke. Sweet lovable Duke who was taken from us too soon. His memory is imprinted so deeply on the waves of my brain I can't escape it. I dream of him often even though in the dream I recognize he his dead, it can't and never again will be a reality. I didn't think I would be affected so deeply by the death of a dog. We are coming up on his deathiversary July 4th(his least favorite holiday). And I find often my mind is swept away by the pain. Even though it hurts I wouldn't change the experience for anything because without the hurt there would not be healing. We have come so far since the day he passed we can laugh, and joke about his odd behaviors or smile on things he had done. And I can look back without pain and think of those big seal eyes looking at me, the way he loved to eat shrimp and try and figure out that one time he ate a whole bag of chocolate kisses but removed all the wrappers.
People might think it is silly that I have dedicated my time to writing a post about a dog but I know there are people out there who will appreciate my post. To love and to lost has caused pain to many people. It doesn't matter what you loved or lost what matters is that you need to understand it is okay to let yourself hurt. It is okay to let the pain of something linger for some time. As I write this I can't help but contradict myself I say let yourself hurt, but my head and heart are screaming don't let it take control of you. Bear with me as we dive into my own mind and try to make sense of the chaos that is emotion. Sometimes I feel like I am having an existential crisis like "are we really here" "what if this is all just a dream"...I ask myself or others some really profound questions and then I run and hide from the answer...because most of the time the answer doesn't exist or if it does it is something I am better off not knowing. "With knowledge comes great responsibility." "Ignorance is bliss"
NO JOKE people ignorance is totally bliss! There is some stuff I know and it scares the crap out of me. Stuff I can't tell to other people because then I would have to kill them jk but it is serious stuff that I can't be throwing around the Internet. And as I spiral out of control with thought there is a gentle tug that anchors me to the ground and I find myself centered and at peace. That tug is my Savior Jesus Christ bringing me back into his arms hugging me and patting me on the back probably saying this "Alex you silly child with your irrational fears and thoughts come back to me, and rest in my peace."
And I always do come back to him and rest in his peace. I love that my husband shares the same beliefs with me that I am able to lean on him when I need to. It is like I can pull the sanity from him and flush it through my veins.
I don't know if you notice but I love using imagery.
I am always saying an elephant never forgets, and am reminded by family members that I tend to hold a grudge. I know that I have a superb memory when it comes to Disney movies, and lyrics to weird songs. I do remember a lot of things that have happened in the past. I am over pretty much most of them but I remember, it is my bodies own way of trying to protect itself from future situations. Most of the time though I just want to move on from whatever has happened and just enjoy the present with people. I may not forget what has happened but I try my best to forgive what has happened. I have learned that holding on to baggage from the past only weighs you down and keeps you from progressing in this mortal life. I want to progress I want to be a choice daughter of God. I want to make my Heavenly Parents, Christ, Mom, Dad, Jordan, and children proud. I want to be amazing, I want to be someone others look up to. As I strive to be this person I know I will become more and more Christ like. Ideally that is the biggest thing I want to be more Christ like.
I have loads of stuff I need to work on in my own personal life to get where I want to be. I feel I will always be working and striving to be the best I can be. This song pretty much sums it up.

I think you guys have probably had enough of the mind of Alex for one day. I am pretty much an open book or brain lol. If you have any questions, or post ideas you want me to write about please share below. I love reading comments and I love talking about myself haha.