23 Facts about a 23 year old!

I am deathly afraid of sharks and open water if I can’t touch the ground in the Ocean I don’t go any deeper. Also if I am the last person out of the pool I have this irrational fear that somehow a shark will get me. (However I am open to the idea of getting in a shark cage and conquering my fear, but I still won’t snorkel in Hawaii.)

I once picked up what I thought to be the most beautiful rock in the world only to have it turn out to be Sheep poop.

Sometimes when I laugh so hard I quit breathing and then when I finally do breathe it is like a high pitched squeal!

 Once in Seattle I went to get on top of the Golden Pig in Pikes Market and ripped out my pants mooning most of the people on the pier.

There are several instances in my mind of when I was in middle or high school where I acted like a typical teenager and almost ruined two really important relationships I hold dear to my heart.

I have been in two car accidents both my fault I rear ended the car in front of me because I was texting and driving. (Both in High School) My driving record is clean now!

When Jordan was taken away I tried to love again but it was always back to him. (No complaint there I have two gorgeous kids and a temple marriage because of it.)

I am a hopeless romantic and any book I read I always make myself the main character and pick other people to be the other characters.

All of my poetry and other writings are always triggered from a feeling about someone or something. Most of them are about certain people… especially boy’s lol.

I am pretty proud of the fact that I can quote almost any movie and I rock at Harry Potter Scene it trivia!

I have a crazy memory where all I have to do is picture an object/person that I can’t remember and 99% of the time I can remember what it is call just by random pictures in my mind.

I am a vivid dreamer…which makes me afraid of the dark.

One time Sam and I were making cookies and the mixer broke so she said “We are going to have to mix it by hand” I immediately wash my hands and walk over to the bowl to mix it literally by hand.

I think I am hilarious and some may not get my humor but I make myself laugh and that is all that matters.

I have major separation anxiety and it has only gotten worse over the years. Seriously I have only spent a total of 6 nights away from Braden. I didn’t have any issues until my older sister Sam moved away to college.  Then soon after that it seemed all the people I loved would just leave.

I write in a journal and have been doing so since I was 8yrs old.

I can’t help but read/listen to something and want to IHS the crap out of it. This has led to some really interesting conversations.

I have never doubted my religion or God only myself and other people.

I love surprises however I am terrible about keeping them a secret!

I struggle with depression, and anxiety. It is a constant battle that I am trying to conquer without medication.

I try my best to not judge others and their situation because growing up I was judged by people who knew nothing about me and it hurt…sometimes it still hurts.

I hunger for knowledge and love to learn new things.

Last and not least if I wasn’t so ADHD I swear I would be OCD!

Cha-cha-changes!

I'm going to try my best to not be all over the place with this blog but I have a feeling with my pregnancy brain and normal ADHD it may get a little confusing.

First off I am 31 weeks pregnant only 9 more weeks to go! I find it funny no matter what point I am at in my pregnancy whether 10, 20, or 30 weeks when asked when my due date is the return comment is always that is forever away. I smile but really my crazy pregnancy hormones want to yell "Don't tell a pregnant lady she has forever to go with her pregnancy ever!!" lol. I think people are a little surprised my due date is at the end of October because of how big I am already. I have learned from my previous pregnancy that because of my height my belly just grows straight out! With Braden and this baby I have always measured 4 weeks ahead. My Doctor isn't worried since it seems to be the normal way I grow. This baby is very active especially at night time. My heartburn has been terrible, and we had a gestational diabetes scare. Luckily though my 2hr test came back normal! I'm going to try to eat healthy though and continue to exercise especially swimming since that seems to be the only way to ease the sciatica and pelvic pain. This may be TMI but I so badly want to have a successful VBAC(Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and I exercise will help me get there! I don't want to labor again and then have to have a c-section I feel like that would be like preparing for a marathon and then having someone push me in a stroller through it. I know as long as I have an amazing support team, positive thinking and my water doesn't break early again I can be successful. A c-section is not the worse thing that could happen but it is scary for me. I know I have had one before and I still remember the pain of it and I really don't want to have to go through that again. I know people have their own opinions on c-sections, vbacs and stuff I prefer only positive uplifting comments as I grow closer to delivery!

Moving on from pregnancy to family. Jordan returned last Wednesday from 3 weeks down in Glendale helping out with the fires. Jordan and I have been apart several times in our relationship, even before we were married. You think that I would have got used to saying goodbye to my best friend, but it gets harder and harder with each goodbye. Especially now that I can see the effect it has on Braden. One of the nice things about Jordan being gone though is it gives me plenty of  opportunity to reflect on how much I miss him and how much he means to our little family. He can be a real pain in my butt, and sometimes it is a struggle to get him to empty the dishwasher but I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing!

Personal stuff that has changed. Well as Jordan was gone I made the decision that it was probably best to quit my job at Cinemark. I have worked there for almost 5 years. I met some amazing people, some crazies, and learned a lot about the movie industries like theater workers don't get overtime because they are considered a part of Hollywood and Hollywood doesn't get overtime just really big paychecks! I will not miss feeling obligated to work every single weekend of the year, feeling guilty for requesting off holidays. And the best part is I get to be at home with my adorable son Braden! I left my job to be with my family, there are things in our future that I can't really talk about on the Internet that will effect us deeply. I want to be with my children and to keep myself sane want my children to be with me. Don't worry Jordan and I are completely happy and are in this for eternity but other outside things will bring changes to our life in the next two years.

Moving on from personal stuff to moving!!! Jordan and I's lease is up on the 18th of September! We couldn't be happier apartment life has been interesting and I am thankful for the experience but there are so many things I will not miss about it. An amazing opportunity has presented itself to us and we will be moving into a beautiful home in the Santa Clara area! The best part is the house is large enough that we will be moving in with my sister Sam and her little family. I am really excited because I enjoy being close to family and it will help the lonely drill weekends! Plus it is perfect because Braden gets to live with his best friend Colden! So yes this means we will be moving when I am 34 weeks pregnant but we won't be moving into the house just then. Unfortunately the house won't be ready for us to move in right away but that is okay. We will happily be moving back into my parents for a few weeks until the house is ready. So most likely we will be moving stuff the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I guess you could say we are crazy but I am okay with it. The more I have to do up until I deliver the better. If I stay busy then I won't be lazy lol. I am so looking forward to moving into this home and I most excited about all the beautiful storage space the house has to offer!

I think that is all the update I can give you for now. I wish I could say that I will be posting more within the next couple months but between packing, moving, weddings, and birthdays I am not sure if I will have as much time as I would like to post blog updates. However check out my Facebook I update that thing like crazy!

Accomplishments and what not!

Bear with me here guys I am sick and pregnant. Not morning sick, sick but cold/flu sick. I already suffer from major pregnancy brain and now I have sick brain. So if my blog feels all over the place or I don't sound like my normal happy healthy self it is because I am under the influence of a summer cold. I thought I would share some personally accomplishments I achieved this past month.

1. I survived 3 weeks with my toddler, dog, and pregnancy without my husband. There were lots of tears, it was rough but I made it. Of course I would not have been able to make it without my amazing family! Seriously the best people ever! Thank you Mom and Dad, Sam, Josh, Jordan, and of course Braden's two favorite people Colden and Henslee.

2. I conquered fears. I have always been a vivid dreamer and I have a very active imagination. About half a week into Jordan being gone I began to have nightmares that made me scream and wake myself up. One night I woke up and saw a tall figure standing in my room. I knew it had to just be my imagination because the figure was wearing a mask that I had seen in a movie preview. Needless to say I did not like it at all and I turned my light on and for a couple of nights the only way I could sleep safe and sound was with the lights on. I know silly right. I decided to cast out my fear I needed to strengthen my faith. So I began to sleep with the lights off but my Bible tucked safely in my arms. And then I began to read at least 5 chapters of my Book of Mormon a night, and say my prayers. It worked perfectly I slept with the lights off and the Bible just laid in bed beside me. I conquered my fear of the dark and nightmares!!

3. I made it through Alma. Alma in the Book of Mormon for me is always the hardest part because it is 63 chapters long. I did a small calculation and set myself a goal. Jordan would be home in 12 days if I read 5 Chapters a day plus an additional 3 on one day I would be done by the time Jordan got home. I did it in half the time!! I have never been so intrigued by the book of Alma before I was in love with each chapter and learned so much! I was able to recall things taught to me in seminary, and add to my knowledge. I was able to ask questions, seek answers, and apply those answers. It seriously was amazing. And I accomplished my goal!

4. My biggest physical accomplishment this month which might not seem like much to some of you out there but it was huge for me. I walk/jogged a 5k on Saturday the 29th of June. Sure I did cry once because of the excruciating round ligament pain, but I completed the 5k with a smile on my face ready to do more!(not really)

I know I was not able to complete 2-4 of my accomplishments without the Savior. Every step of the way through my nightmares, the Book of Mormon, and the 5k I felt the Saviors love. I also felt his and I's relationship strengthening. One of the greatest moments I can recall though was when Jordan came home for one night and it was like 11pm at night and we got into bed both exhausted and I said to him "I would like to read my scriptures" and he replied "That is a good idea that way you don't get out of your good habit you have set"  He seriously could have replied with "turn the light off and go to bed, I am exhausted." but he didn't he supported me and I am forever grateful for an amazing spouse who supports me and my goals. I am now going to set some goals for July.

July Goals
1. Finish the Book of Mormon by August 1st (I am almost done with 3rd Nephi)
2. Accept what the Lord has planned for me
3. Visit with family and friends
4. Continue to strengthen my relationship with Christ
5. Enjoy life to the fullest!

What happens to a Love...

As much as I enjoy writing poetry I read it as well. I have been fortunate enough to take a poetry class at the college this term and I am enjoying looking into new authors to me but old authors in writing. Especially my new favorite Paul Dunbar he is a beautiful writer! But the poem I want to share with you today is one I came across a long time ago and it has always been dear to my heart. Hope you enjoy and I hope you have a wonderful Tuesday!

What Happens to a Love…

December 19, 2007 by Raatkiranii (K.F.S)

What happens to a love that you're unable to explore, that first spark, that, which starts with temptation?

Does it wither away?
Scorched, burned, a wound that's best left untended? A pain that's best left forgotten?

Does it remain an unextinguished temptation?
Inappropriate desires, fantasies, reality gone unchecked? Passion fulfilled in dreams?

Perhaps it becomes a self-doubting, lingering question?
Guilt ridden, what have I done? What am I doing? Should I think this way? Should I feel this way?

Maybe, it warps into an unyielding, nagging regret?
Years gone by, time wasted? Chances missed - the ever present, What if?

Does it fester; rot you from the inside out?
Make you bitter at not having what you ought, what you deserve?

Or does it remain a youthful bud?
A memory, evergreen, bittersweet, unspoiled? A tear, a sigh, a smile? Never forgotten, a private reminiscence always visited - in the mind, in the heart?

I'm not gone...just pregnant...new poem.

One of these days I will name names…but for now I don’t because then everyone knows who my poem is about and I think the mystery to poetry is important. It makes it so that when you read the poem it can be unique to you and personal. You can easily picture who you would write the poem about. If I told you it would ruin it for you personally. It’s like when they make a movie out of a book you’ve been reading and the characters almost usually never match your imaginations description.

Chaos, confusion, am I the only one losing?

And I’ll look for her in lines of your life

Secretly hoping you never make her your wife

I can’t help but smile when I see your face

I swear no one will ever take my place

I wasn’t the first nor was I the last

But I’m that unforgettable past

The one you think on

Wonder what went wrong…

Was it because I always loved him

Would you ever win?

And you’ll keep coming deep in the night

When my guard is down and I can’t fight

I want to reach out and pull you in

But remember you never win

And the music on the radio is so right

There playing all our songs tonight

I will beg you to let me be

As I move closer to you

This isn’t yin or yang

This is chaos

And we will never be the same

Oh Baby!

Well now that it is facebook official I thought I would write a blog post too! Through Gods grace Jordan and I are pregnant again!! It came as a shock since it took us a year to get pregnant with Braden and fertility drugs. I think a lot of it had to do with me exercising 3-5times a week. I wasn't losing weight but my body was beginning to get into a routine again. I've known I was pregnant since February 20th...and if any of you know me very well you know keeping this secret is a huge deal!! I did it for one whole month! Well I told a few people but hey facebook didn't know. I'm sure you are all wondering how I found out so I will tell you.

In January I purchased a 50 ovulation prediction kit/20 pregnancy test set. I noticed that my periods had started to become regular, so I downloaded an app on my phone and started keeping track of everything...and I mean everything. My tests were like PH strips and you have to wait 5 minutes to get a correct reading. I counted days and did my opk's and they all came back negative. Oh well life went on we weren't super trying to get pregnant so I wasn't too worried. I was at home one day and I had a migraine. I would randomly take pregnancy tests just because with my PCOS everything wasn't always 100% accurate, and my migraine medicine is most definitely not safe during the 1st trimester. So I took a test, waited 10 seconds the control line showed up I shrugged my shoulders decided it was negative and put it back in its package and threw it away. Later on that day I went back to the bathroom to go pee, and decided to look at the test just for the heck of it. I pulled it out of the package and to my amazement it was positive. I was shocked, and thought maybe it was a false positive so I dug deeper in the trash for an older test to see if it showed a false positive after 5 minutes. The older one was still negative. 4 tests later I was pretty confident in the fact that I was pregnant.

So yes I know this pregnancy is soon after my first pregnancy but I had no idea that my body would figure itself out or Heavenly Father would bless me with another baby so quickly. I feel extremely blessed for this 2nd baby and can't wait to see how great of a big brother Braden will be!

Braden Time

Braden is 11 months old now and is pretty much the cutest thing ever. Braden started army crawling when he was 9 months old but didn’t start crawling until last month. So no walking yet, which secretly I am grateful. I have friends and even siblings whose children started walking before 1years old and I am happy I don’t have to chase after Braden just yet. Also because he is taking his sweet time to walk I get to convince myself my little baby is not growing up and will stay little forever! I know it won’t last and I am looking forward to not having to carry Braden everywhere. Not looking forward to all the bumps and falls that come with walking/running. Buggy is a tough little guy so I think he will walk it off jump up and run away. He hardly ever cries when he gets hurt which scared me at first but now I know he has a high pain tolerance. He cries sometimes when things happen but only for a second and he is on to the next thing.

Proud Mommy moment this week!! Braden is signing!! My sister signed with her little guy and he started signing back around 9months. I wasn’t as consistent with my signing to Braden mostly because I forgot, and when I would do it he would just laugh at me like I am crazy! He knows how to say “Doggy” and he understands “More, and All Done” Oh and he can sign “Milk” which we use for Breastfeeding. Funny story I signed to him “Milk” asking if he wanted to nurse he signed it back and then pulled at my shirt and nosed dived my chest. Lol never a dull moment with this kid. He sometimes signs “milk” when he is saying goodbye I don’t know why. Today I tried to teach him how to sign Mom and he just shook his head no at me.

Braden loves to laugh and climb everywhere. He absolutely loves his dog Kyo and Kyo is the first thing Braden looks for when he wakes up. We have been struggling with bedtime because for some reason he keeps taking his daily poop right at 9pm after we have laid him down. At least he is consistent. I am looking forward to School next term because I will be doing all online which means I can be home with my Braden Bug all week. Seriously love this little guy and I feel super blessed that I am his Mom. 

To write or not to write...out of my control.

It has been quite some time since I have written something. I know you are thinking um Alex you just posted like a week ago. But I don’t mean blogging I mean writing; a poem, short story, or beginning of a story. In my head I constantly am thinking of new things to write but I am struggling. My biggest problem is I don’t have any drama in my life. You probably are thinking isn’t that a good thing Alex, for me personally yes for my writing no. All of my writings have a piece of me in them some sort of truth that starts as a single thread and weaves itself into a beautiful tapestry. If you were to ask me about any one of my poems I could tell you what I was going through at the time, who it’s about, and what point I am trying to make. I need a little inspiration. So if you are willing please share with me your drama, lol share with me your pain your happiness, let me write you a story. Or if you like it would be fun reread some of my poetry or writings and try and figure out what my inspiration was. I gave a clue last week that my husband is the muse for most of my poetry. If you guess a name of someone the poetry is written about I will not say yes or no because naming names is not my thing I will leave that to Taylor Swift. But I will give you an insight to what was really going on in my life at the time, and you can figure it out yourself. Also not everything written in the poem is 100% about the person I start writing about, the writing takes over me and the end result is never my beginning intention it is much better! 

You know I'd fall apart without you.

Since it is the month of February I thought it would be best if I blogged about the love of my life. If any of you know me very well you know that I am a hopeless romantic. Picture a 13yr old girl laying on her bed reading Pride and Prejudice letting out a large sigh and wondering when her Mr. Darcy would come. For me falling in love was something I have decided I have only done twice all the other times I was infatuated but not in love. The first time I fell in love I was 13 and it was with my next door neighbor I know how cliché. Remember I am a hopeless romantic. I’m sure my best friend could tell you how hard I fell, I take that back three of my best friends at the time could tell you how hard I fell. Especially Rachel my soundboard to my romantic notions of a 13yr old. Needless to say time went on my romantic heart got broken, people literally moved on. Then I was 14 and I caught a glimpse of a boy who I thought to be particularly handsome. At a church dance a mutual friend introduced us and to her I owe everything because without that simple introduction I would have never been asked “What color is your toothbrush?” by that shy cute boy. Jordan and I’s story is long it is not all sunshine and rainbows and it is not the story I want to tell because some of it still hurts. All you need to know is we fell in love young and we fell hard. We were a modern day Romeo and Juliet and it was tough. I like to think that Taylor Swift writes her songs straight from my life…I mean Love Story had impeccable timing. Now you are probably wondering what my post is going to be about. My post today is going to be about the man I am married to today, not the young man who asked me what my color my toothbrush was or the man who even asked me to marry him but the man I sleep next to every night. My soldier, my husband, my partner in crime, my patient, my amazing, my love of my life, my Jordan(the boy).

                I don’t know if Jordan realizes how in love with him I am. He is so amazing and I am so blessed to call him my eternal companion. He has flaws but the funny part is those flaws are what make me love him. I literally would fall apart without him. Not only has he been a part of my life for the past 8 almost 9 years but he has been my husband for almost 3 of those years. He is kind, patient, impatient, and so cute when he is angry (this one gets me in trouble a lot I can’t help but smile or laugh when he is upset with me), he loves me for exactly who I am. I was once told I was like dating 10 different people because you never knew which me you were going to deal with. Jordan however characterizes me as one person and that is Alex. He thinks I’m funny (of course who doesn’t), he spoils me and we have intellectual conversations about stuff going on in the world. He values my opinion and asks for it. He knows certain situations make me uncomfortable and he does his best to make sure I am comfortable. He was my rock through our struggle to get pregnant and my rock even now. How could I not love him he gave me a beautiful son that looks just like him! He stands up for me to people he shouldn’t have to. He literally is my other half. My Mr. Darcy, Stephan, Edward, and Peeta, my hero and I his heroine, my muse for over 3/4^th of my poetry. I love him forever and always! Together we will conquer all! Happy Valentines  month Jordan I love you this big ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that means forever!!

My name is Alex and I have PCOS.

Hello Blogging world it is I Alex I know it has been a very long time and I apologize for the emptiness I have left you with. Do not think I have quit writing or that I have quit reading because I have not. I just have not had time to post because one I got pregnant woohoo, two I had my baby and three I start to write but then quit midway because I feel like it has been too long. So starting today I’m committing to writing at least once a month!

                I thought today I would share a personal thing something I have struggled with for quite some time but was not diagnosed with until about two years ago. My name is Alexandria and I have PCOS (PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman's body overproduces sex hormones, called androgens. The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may run in families. Follow the links below to find WebMD's comprehensive coverage about PCOS, what the symptoms are, how to treat it, and much more. http://women.webmd.com/pcos-directory)

                I feel that PCOS is a condition that many women suffer from but are not diagnosed until later years in life, such as when they are trying for children and sometimes then it is even too late for medical intervention. I would love to educate young people about PCOS, and explain to them that an irregular cycle is not normal even if you are playing sports or other things, that the reason why you can’t lose weight even though you are trying as hard as you can is not working for you, that extremely painful periods are not normal, and you don’t have to deal with the pain. If I would have known in High School I had PCOS I would have treated my body differently. I only had a few signs of PCOS in High School such as irregular cycle, intense ovarian pain, and cysts on my ovaries. But it was not until after High School more severe symptoms encroached on my life. Within two years I had gain 40lbs granted in High School I did struggle with eating disorders. And I could not lose those pounds, and another year went by I gained another 20lbs. It was heartbreaking I was so upset and so disappointed in the chubby person I was becoming.

                Jordan and I got married summer of 2010 and we both knew we wanted to start trying right away. This my get a little detailed but hey it is educational. We were newlyweds it wasn’t like we weren’t trying; we just weren’t succeeding in the whole ego being prego. July no period=false pregnancy tests, August no period=false pregnancy tests, September no period=false pregnancy tests. I say tests because it was never just one test. After seeing so many false pregnancy tests my heart was broken and fear crept in. So I scheduled a Doctor’s appointment with the Gynecologist. I explained to her what was going on in my life irregular period, false pregnancy tests, and very painful periods. She did some blood work and said she would give me a call. I missed the phone call and got a message that said this “This is Doctor ______ I am calling to let you know about your test results. You don’t need to worry but you should call me back when you can.” I freaked out who says you don’t need to worry but you need to call me no one in their right mind expects a person to be completely cool about that sentence right?? So I called her right back and she told me I have PCOS and said I should schedule an appointment to come in and talk about treatment. I scheduled my appointment and then I did the worst thing possible I googled it.

The first thing I saw and was burned to my mind was the word and I swear it was in all caps INFERTILITY. My world came crashing down; all I ever wanted was to have children. To be big and pregnant and eat pickles with ice-cream. I cried and I asked Heavenly Father why? Why me? He knew I wanted to be a mother and how dare he take that away from me, how dare he hurt me this way. It was a very low moment for me spiritual and emotionally. Looking back now I wish I would have reacted differently that I would have thanked Heavenly Father for the blessings I did receive and not accuse him of intentionally depriving me of what I wanted most. But I didn’t I spiraled down, and the black depression I surrounded myself with was much safer than whatever else there was.

                My treatment consisted of two medications Metformin and Provera. Metformin was to be taken 3 times a day, and it had awful side effects. It changed my taste buds, and made me physical ill all the time. I vomited after drinking fruit punch because it was so high in sugar. Any time I ate fried food I got super sick. You think it would be a plus especially since I was trying to lose weight. It was terrible I lost my appetite and I was still not pregnant. Add in Provera; Provera is a birth control (wait birth control while trying to get pregnant?? I know weird right). Take the Provera for 10 days and if I started my period 3 days later I was obviously not pregnant. Well needless to say my period would wait 5 days to come and I would pee on that stupid stick on the 4^th day. Negative, negative, negative. One time my mom came home and I was lying on the couch eating Reese’s with empty wrappers all around me in sweat pants. I looked up at her and said “I started my period, don’t judge me.” What a pitiful creature I had become I am sure everyone could say I was a huge joy to be around. Not being pregnant was really starting to take its toll on me emotional wise. I scheduled another appointment to talk about other options. My Doctor then goes to tell me she thinks I should finish school first and put off having children I smile and nod but in my head I am thinking this lady is very presumptuous and I am taking my business(no pun intended) elsewhere.

                Introduce Doctor number two. What a wonderful man my OB/GYN is if you want his name I will gladly private message you. It may have helped that my Doctor was of my same faith and understood the importance of family for me. He listened and he said okay we have a few options and he told me about Clomid a fertility drug used for women who are struggling with getting pregnant. In April I do my first dose of Clomid, and in May I see negative tests. June round two of Clomid; lots of ovulation prediction tests, counting days and interrupted family camping trips. It is amazing how quickly you can get pregnant when you actually do get pregnant. Two weeks after fertilization, my husband at annual training, completely home alone I went and got a pee test on a hunch. We had been at the Olive Garden a week before and I had quit eating my meal halfway through because I was sick, also I took a nap during the day and still was tired enough to go to bed at eight(not normal for me), and most importantly I could not get enough of BLT’s. I peed and then watched as the test began to display the results…one line…two lines. 4 tests all together it was legit I was finally pregnant, and I cried so happy I cried. I called my husband and got his voicemail I left a shaky message and he called back asking what was wrong. I told him I was pregnant he did not believe me and I said “Jordan in the biblical way I am with Child.” It was a perfect ending to a horrible year of negative pregnancy tests.

                I know some people read this and have no sympathy for me because I only struggled for a year. And you are right my pregnancy struggle was only a year, and I feel completely lucky for the baby I have now. My heart goes out to every single woman whose heart aches from the emptiness they feel, the depression they are struggling with. Infertility or the struggle of getting pregnant sucks, I know it sucks I have felt but a small year of that pain, but I do know someone who has felt all of that pain and sadness Christ.

Remember when my spirituality wavered; don’t think for a second it returned with that positive pregnancy test. It was months before as I studied Elizabeth and Zacharias life in the Scriptures. What powerful revelation I received, it was then in that moment I quit praying asking to become pregnant but began to pray for strength to accept the Lords will. My prayers always ended with “Not my will, but thine.” I prayed for comfort and peace to be able to accept whatever challenges I would face. And the moment I found out I was pregnant I knelt and I gave a prayer of gratitude. The challenge of PCOS is one that will last me a lifetime and if I am only able to have one child I am at peace with it. Because my heart knows that the Lord has a will and he has a way, and he will bless me with plenty of opportunities to nurture and love others. I have a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ without it I would not be able to reflect on this and see the blessing within it. My heart is full of gratitude for the child I have, and is hopeful of more children. Remember though I am at peace and I have accepted the challenge of PCOS and I will not let it control me or conquer me. For those of you struggling do not think you are alone for a second and if you need someone to talk to I am a great listener! Not my will but thy will be done!

Sincerely,

A Daughter of God with a lot on her mind.