The Lord's Grace.

I wanted to share something very personal today. As a human being I am imperfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. When mistakes have been made I have made the decision to repent of the mistakes, whether I need to speak with the Bishop or just take care of it with the Lord. No matter what the case I have repented. Every Sunday I take the sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants. I promise you I cannot even make it a week without making a mistake. There have been times when my mistakes have needed the council of my Bishop. At first I was scared, and ashamed and did not want to talk to anyone about my mistake. However after talking with the Bishop feeling his love, and understanding more deeply the grace of God, I knew that it was better to repent of my mistake than to forever live with the guilt and pain it caused. Your repentance process is private shared only between your Bishop, you, and the Savior. My process at one point had some rules I needed to follow in order to fully repent of my mistake and to protect myself from making future mistakes. The repentance process is not always easy, and it hurts to heal. I was once asked by a friend "Is it worth it?" I wrote the following passage after being asked that question.

My heart and soul cried in anguish as the question began to fester in my mind. Is it worth it? My question is how would you feel to go days no months without feeling the comfort of the Savior by your side? Months of being an unhappy person, of fighting with the people you love? To go to bed with tears of sadness streaming down your face? With the pains of your sins weighing you down to the point where you feel you can't even breathe no longer are you in control but your sins now control you. What ever happened to the real happiness you once felt, loved, and shared? You try your best to blend in with everyone else, but you know you lack something they unknowingly have, that constant companion of Christ. Ask me again if it is worth it, and I shall die because why wouldn't it be worth it? A temple marriage, a strong relationship with Christ, Heavenly Father, and the ones you love? It is worth it, it is always worth it to take those steps to fixing your relationship with Christ. The door is there we must open it not put a deadbolt on the door, then block the door with bricks to the point we are numb, and cannot hear the cries of Christ on the other side calling us back to him. It is worth it to be healed and to be whole in the eyes of the Lord. Remember for me he died, and for him I shall live. 

I was thirsty and could not drink
I was hungry and could not partake
But through humility I found my Faith
I took the road most traveled by
And later on felt I would die
The price I paid for just a second
A second of Worldly things
It compares to nothing
When I think about how he died for me
I fell to my knees in shame
And knew I was the only one to blame
As I cried my heart did break
All for one silly mistake
I told you and myself, I could not continue living this way
I had to stand back up
I looked towards heaven for my strength and answer
Through tear stained eyes you were found
Shining with glorious forgiving power
My tears were my only sound
"Come unto me my precious child."
You spoke so softly and dear
I had nothing to fear
as I entered your arms my tears continued to spill
"I know these tears, but my child I have forgiven thee. I have felt your pain I have carried your burden. I love thee just the same. No love is greater than my will."
And so he had forgiven me, and so must I forgive myself
To him I pray every day
Pray for strength to stand, to find my way back to his eternal grace
I know I let go for just a little bit
But I know my Savior will forgive and forget
When I was thirsty and could not drink
When I was hungry and could not partake
With humility I found my Faith
There are so many to thank
For their Kindness, Prayers, and Faith
But only one can I think to name
Only one made it possible for me to live this day
Only one holds the highest place in my heart
Only one died for me so I may return to him
Only one do I call my best friend
My king, My friend, My brother
My Savior

My relationship with my Savior is very important to me. When I am not fully living a converted life my spirit suffers. When I am living fully converted the life I live is wonderful. Words can barely describe the peace and happiness that surrounds me. I respect the fact that not all share my beliefs and I hope you would respect my beliefs and feelings. I am being honest in the fact that I have sinned and it is through God's amazing grace I am saved.

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."

There is a part of me that is constantly comparing my life to the lives of those I read about in books, and watch on TV shows. I cannot help but find many of my everyday moments could seriously be taken out of the Lord of the Rings. Especially when it comes to raising hungry toddlers.

I find myself in love with the writings of J.R.R. Tolkein and quote him often. In High School I was struggling with a particular part of the Book of Mormon and just couldn't understand two groups of people and how wicked they truly were. So I did what I did best and I related it to something I knew and luckily my seminary teacher knew exactly what I was talking about. I understood better when I realized that at that time Lamenites were like Orcs, and Amalekites were like Uruk-Hai. One was evil and the other a little more evil, and bad.

When I find a good quote in my life that strengthens me as a mother I tend to have it on repeat in moments I find myself overwhelmed. There are many Sundays I am alone with my two boys, Sam and Josh are there but are taking care of their two kids. Let me remind you I have an almost 2yr old, and a 3 month old. It gets crazy really quick especially when they both want your attention. Last Sunday Jordan happened to be at church but it was still crazy. My cheeks were flushed mostly from trying to wrestle my toddler out from under the pew, and slightly with embarrassment as my toddler yelled out "No time out Mommy!" (I swear I do not put him in time out very often.) He continued to talk and kick because he did not want to sit still for the sacrament. My eyes close to tears as I thought about what others thought of me, and my unruly bunch of kids. The thought entered my mind maybe we shouldn't come to church until they can be reverent, or we should sit in the foyer as to not offend or annoy any one. Out of the back of my abyss of negativity came the quote "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."  Peace entered my mind, and soul and the Lord took the opportunity to teach me a lesson. I was exactly where I needed to be no matter how crazy my kids were acting. I was in the Lords house receiving the messages he needed me to hear. Sure I only caught bits and pieces, and my child continued to be unruly to the point he was taken out of the chapel by his father but we were at church and we were somehow making it. The Lord understood I needed reassurance so he sent up a lovely woman who happened to be a nonmember to the pulpit. She shared some stories with us, and then spoke of her love for the "Mormon" people. How she loved coming to our Chapels and hearing the children. Tears entered my eyes again as I listened to this woman and her words. She loved my unruly, noisy child, and I did too. "I never said it was going to be easy I only said it would be worth it."My life is far from easy, far from perfect but I know if I keep positive thoughts in my head if I remember I am exactly where I need to be it will be worth it. Worth it to kneel before my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, worth it to be with my family for eternity. It will be so worth it. I love my children with all my heart, I love the chaos they bring, most importantly I love that they are making me want to be a better person for them. There are going to be times where I am going to want to wave the white flag, and not endure. I am thankful that when those times happen I have a loving Heavenly Father and Mother, and Savior who know I need to be strengthened. I love that they have already prepared me for those times by helping me surround myself with people who will uplift and heal me. I pray that I can be a strength to others, that I ALWAYS let the positive outweigh the negative. That I remember who I am and what I stand for. I cherish these moments with my precious children because there will be a time when they will be out on their own and I will miss the noise of their sweet voices. My heart is full of love as I overcome, and truly feel the power of forgiveness. I know who I am, and I love who I am.

I am a daughter of God!