Moments in my mind.

Sometimes out of the blue a memory catches me off guard, instantly a wave of emotion washes over me and in that very moment I am consumed by pain. I'm not just talking about bad things but sometimes the happy things hurt too. For example sometimes I look at my sweet sleeping child and my heart literally hurts. It aches with love, but it hurts too. We all lose people, animals, and things we love. The memories of those things I have lost cause me the most pain. Sometimes I can bear it, but for most of the time the memory hurts. My mind is always drawn back to Duke. Sweet lovable Duke who was taken from us too soon. His memory is imprinted so deeply on the waves of my brain I can't escape it. I dream of him often even though in the dream I recognize he his dead, it can't and never again will be a reality. I didn't think I would be affected so deeply by the death of a dog. We are coming up on his deathiversary July 4th(his least favorite holiday). And I find often my mind is swept away by the pain. Even though it hurts I wouldn't change the experience for anything because without the hurt there would not be healing. We have come so far since the day he passed we can laugh, and joke about his odd behaviors or smile on things he had done. And I can look back without pain and think of those big seal eyes looking at me, the way he loved to eat shrimp and try and figure out that one time he ate a whole bag of chocolate kisses but removed all the wrappers.
People might think it is silly that I have dedicated my time to writing a post about a dog but I know there are people out there who will appreciate my post. To love and to lost has caused pain to many people. It doesn't matter what you loved or lost what matters is that you need to understand it is okay to let yourself hurt. It is okay to let the pain of something linger for some time. As I write this I can't help but contradict myself I say let yourself hurt, but my head and heart are screaming don't let it take control of you. Bear with me as we dive into my own mind and try to make sense of the chaos that is emotion. Sometimes I feel like I am having an existential crisis like "are we really here" "what if this is all just a dream"...I ask myself or others some really profound questions and then I run and hide from the answer...because most of the time the answer doesn't exist or if it does it is something I am better off not knowing. "With knowledge comes great responsibility." "Ignorance is bliss"
NO JOKE people ignorance is totally bliss! There is some stuff I know and it scares the crap out of me. Stuff I can't tell to other people because then I would have to kill them jk but it is serious stuff that I can't be throwing around the Internet. And as I spiral out of control with thought there is a gentle tug that anchors me to the ground and I find myself centered and at peace. That tug is my Savior Jesus Christ bringing me back into his arms hugging me and patting me on the back probably saying this "Alex you silly child with your irrational fears and thoughts come back to me, and rest in my peace."
And I always do come back to him and rest in his peace. I love that my husband shares the same beliefs with me that I am able to lean on him when I need to. It is like I can pull the sanity from him and flush it through my veins.
I don't know if you notice but I love using imagery.
I am always saying an elephant never forgets, and am reminded by family members that I tend to hold a grudge. I know that I have a superb memory when it comes to Disney movies, and lyrics to weird songs. I do remember a lot of things that have happened in the past. I am over pretty much most of them but I remember, it is my bodies own way of trying to protect itself from future situations. Most of the time though I just want to move on from whatever has happened and just enjoy the present with people. I may not forget what has happened but I try my best to forgive what has happened. I have learned that holding on to baggage from the past only weighs you down and keeps you from progressing in this mortal life. I want to progress I want to be a choice daughter of God. I want to make my Heavenly Parents, Christ, Mom, Dad, Jordan, and children proud. I want to be amazing, I want to be someone others look up to. As I strive to be this person I know I will become more and more Christ like. Ideally that is the biggest thing I want to be more Christ like.
I have loads of stuff I need to work on in my own personal life to get where I want to be. I feel I will always be working and striving to be the best I can be. This song pretty much sums it up.

I think you guys have probably had enough of the mind of Alex for one day. I am pretty much an open book or brain lol. If you have any questions, or post ideas you want me to write about please share below. I love reading comments and I love talking about myself haha.