Life in the pain: Migraines

Hello my name is Alex and I have daily migraines.

My mother says before I could talk I would cry and point to my head. At a very early age I was prescribed horse size pills for my migraines. I was given special attention all through out my life, and there was even a point where I took advantage of the migraines. 

Elementary School

In Elementary School I literally passed out one time because I over excited myself playing a game of pictionary. I was 8 years old and went to the bathroom with my friend Rachel, and passed out in the stall. I don't remember passing out, I remember walking in and being really dizzy and then I was with the school nurse. If I felt a migraine coming on I would simply tell my teacher, go to the office take a pill, and sleep for about 30 minutes with an ice pack. I'd get up and go back to class, just a little bit loopy. By the time I was in 5th grade we had figured out some of my triggers. Low blood sugar was one of them and I had my own special snack drawer in my teachers office I was allowed to slip away to when I felt a migraine coming on. 

Middle School

By this time my migraines were so much a part of my life that I started to become accustomed to them. However they also increased, I missed a lot of school because of them. Not much to say here if I had one there wasn't a health office anymore to go to I would just call my mom or dad and they would come get me. 

High School 

It wasn't until High School that I allowed the migraines to control my life more and use them as a crutch. It was also in High School I was diagnosed with "Daily Migraines". Basically what it means is every day of my life I wake up in pain, I go to bed in pain, I work in pain, I live in pain. The pain ranges from a scale of 2-10 depending. But there is hardly ever a moment without pain. I envy people who are not in constant pain and I have even wondered if my pain is imaginative. The mind is a powerful tool and maybe I lived with migraines so long I can't live without them. Since I was in pain everyday sometimes dull, sharp, unbearable I allowed myself to make my illness a weakness. Because I missed so much school I was put on a 504 plan to accommodate me and my migraines. At first I thought it made me different but then I was like hey I get all of this extra time to do stuff, and I took advantage of it and that was wrong. I know it is wrong and I regret it. I used my migraines to get out of not only school, but the paper route, and other activities I really didn't want to do. My priorities were not straight and no one knew I was taking advantage of the pain. It got to the point though where the story of "The boy who cried wolf" comes to mind. Yes I was in pain daily was it full blown migraine pain no not necessarily but when it was I got no sympathy, and I made a mess of things. I didn't get out of doing homework they just postponed deadlines, which in the long run sucked because I had to spend time finishing old assignments before anything else which means no Church dances, cell phones, hanging out with friends, etc. I made it through High School with the migraines even if I allowed them to control me. 

Now

What I wouldn't give to be painless for more than 24hrs. What I wouldn't give to not have to medicate before an event I know will cause me pain. Last year at Thanksgiving I got a full blown migraine so bad all I could do was sleep and cry it sucked. I can't rough house with my family or play sports without either medicating before hand or after. I have literally been on every pill or potion, I've done physical therapy, acupuncture. I read my scriptures I say my prayers I do not believe for a moment God is punishing me. I believe that my migraines are one of my trials I will forever face in this life. A trial that at first made me weaker but now is making me stronger. I can't always medicate or properly prevent a full blown migraine because I don't have that luxury. But every once in a while medicated or not the pain subsides for a few hours. Life in the pain is painful but I do not let identify my as a person. Yes my head hurts, it is currently throbbing as I write this but I will go on living each day because even if it is painful life is worth living. 

If these tables could talk...

When my parents got a new table the graciously gave their old kitchen table the one I grew up with to us. In our most recent move we graciously received a newer kitchen table from my brother and sister in-law. I love my tables I love their character and the stories they tell.

The one from my in-laws still has stickers from several different moves in the military. If this table could talk I am sure it would tell wonderful stories of different states, and even countries.

The one from my parents has countless scratch marks, chips in painting, weird drawings my weird brother etched into the table (thanks Bud). As I sat down to do my homework today and my hand hit the table it made me stop and think about how many times I have sat down to this table and done my homework. For over 10 years I have sat down to this exact table and worked on homework. For over 10 years this table has been a part of my life. And if it could talk what memories would it share? Would it laugh and groan at the time the family was playing spoons and the intense game caused the table to collapse on itself as several people jumped to grab a spoon. Would it fondly speak of all the dinner time meals  it shared with family, and friends? Would it feel sad about all the missed family meal times?

I know this post seems silly, but I truly love these two tables because of the stories that have been imprinted on them, and the stories that will continue to be imprinted on them.

A post about two of my favorite things: Jordans'

Jordan Blake Eliason

Today where Jordan is it is his birthday! Technically here in the US his birthday isn't until tomorrow so we are a little early but Happy Birthday Jordan. 

Jordan and I met when we were 14 years old. This will be the first birthday in 6 years I have spent without him...it is weird. I miss him like crazy, and I am so proud of the wonderful example he is to our children. I couldn't have asked for a better eternal companion and I am glad he is mine for eternity. We may miss a couple birthdays here and there because of deployments but we will have an eternity to spend together! 

Jordan Danae Jarvis

Luckily for me two of my favorite things share the same name! I admire my little sister her strength and her courage to set off on a new adventure. She is awesome! I love her and I am so very proud of her. I guess I should mention Jordan set off to attend Brigham Young University in Idaho this was her first week of classes. Jordan new this was going to be a struggle mentally for her because one thing she and I inherited from our mother is anxiety, especially separation anxiety. Jordan did not let her separation anxiety hold her back from achieving her educational goals. I am so proud of her! I can't wait to see how far she goes in life. She is one of my bestest friends, and I look up to her. She is stubborn, and can be a brat ;) but she is my stubborn brat!! 

I love my Jordans'

The Lord has blessed me with an abundance of Jordans' in my life but these two Jordans' are my favorite! And I am so grateful to have them in my life to help me through the bad, make me laugh, and just be there for me. So Happy Birthday Jordan Eliason, and Jordan Jarvis you keep living those dreams! 

My Car Accident

January 1^st 2015.

At around 4pm in the evening I decided I would drive my parents Mercedes to their house to feed their cat, and just hang out with my kids. They were in Idaho dropping my little sister off at school. I fought with myself all day about going over there you can ask Sam I seriously was like I’m going, I’m not going. And I finally decided I would for sure go.

In order to leave I needed to install Blake’s car seat into my parents car. A couple months ago I purchased Blake a new car seat called the Click tight. I am terrible at installing car seats and this new car seat basically makes it really easy for me to install and is extremely safe. It was pricey but I felt it was worth it since I struggled with getting other car seats secure enough in the car. As I was installing the car seat into the car the thought went through my mind that I should just put Blake forward facing, technically he was old enough it was just a short trip to my parents, not that big of a deal. I shrugged the thought away and continued to install the car seat rear-facing. Seriously took like three minutes to get it secured. I then went and got my children and buckled them into their safety car seats. As I look back now I can remember slowly buckling each piece of the car seat with careful precision making sure none of the pesky straps folded, and that the chest piece was in the correct place. I waited for Josh parked behind me as he installed his car seats to their vehicle they had plans to go to his parents’ house. Josh moved the car and I was off.

I took my normal route down Hilyard to get to my parents’ house. This next part is very difficult for me to write because I am tired of reliving the situation, I am tired of the memories that are burned in my brain and I am hoping that if I can write it all out get it off my chest I will be able to let go of the fear, and pain.

The Accident Approximately 4:30pm

I had just passed the light right before the University Hospital, and was traveling about 25mph my next light was green and I maintained my speed. As I entered the intersection of Hilyard and East 11^th I realized the car traveling west on East 11^th was not stopping for their designated red light. Fear engulfed me as I put my foot on the brake trying to prevent a collision, and began honking the horn. The moments between seeing the vehicle and collided with said vehicle were so quick. All I had time to do was trying and stop and honk. In an instant I struck my driver’s side front end with their driver’s side rear end. Had that car been travelling just a little bit faster, had I been able to slow down just a little bit more we would have missed each other. The airbag deployed and because my right hand had been honking the horn it caused it to fly into the air and come in contact with the rearview mirror. I remember a loud crunch of metal, I remember Blake let out an annoyed cry, and I remember a pop and powder filled the inside of the car I remember my hand throbbing with pain. My adrenaline kicked in and my only thought was my children. I got out of my vehicle and began crying yelling “please, please, my babies, somebody help me!” Over and over again I pleaded with anyone, the air, God I begged for help. I held my arm close to my chest, and cried over and over again. It felt like people just stared out me in shock like no one knew what to do. Crap I didn’t even know what to do. I only knew I needed someone to help me and my children. Because the other vehicle had not even attempted to stop but maintained its speed he had driven further down the street. I remained in the intersection begging for help, from anyone. Finally people who must have heard the crash and my screaming came to my aid. Someone let me use their phone so I could call Sam. I was coherent the whole time of the crash but would have these random bits of hysteria where I would cry and ask for help for my children. The only number that came to mind was our house phone number I spouted out the number and Josh answered I tried talking but all that came out was “accident, please come, Hilyard street” a different lady took the phone from me and began to talk with Josh. After talking to Josh she comforted me and let me know my family, and ambulances were on their way. She helped me stay focused, and held me between my wandering back and forth to check on my children, and cry about the pain in my arm. I specifically remember saying to her “My arm it hurts, that is Braden and Blake, he will be 3 in March, and he turned 1 in October. He ran a red light who does that?” She watched me struggle with my brain chatter out loud, I saw tears in her eyes, I knew she was doing everything she could to comfort me. I admire her bravery her strength, I wish I got her name. I said to her I was so glad she was there, and that I won’t remember her name but I will never forget her. The ambulance and cops arrived along with Sam. My arm was the only thing injured and the boys were fine (thank you car seats!). The EMT’s asked what happened and I told them, and then the cop came and asked what happened I told him and his response was “He said you ran the red light.” I replied “I do not run red lights, I have my babies in the car and I would never put their lives at jeopardy like that.” The cop said there were no witnesses so there was nothing he could do. I have tried finding witnesses, I have contacted business up and down the street, I have asked Facebook, I have asked the news, but no witnesses. The claim has been given to the insurance and is under investigation so my mom says I no longer need to look for witnesses.

I Remember

 I clearly remember seeing the driver of the other vehicle breeze through that light without a care in the world I clearly remember him accelerating, not trying to stop; I clearly remember him and his passenger looking onward. I clearly remember seeing his vehicle for a while, but I did not realize he wasn’t stopping until it was too late. I clearly remember trying to stop, I clearly remember honking and thinking to myself “this idiot”, I clearly remember the panic, the pain, and the continual fear. The only thing I can do now though since it seems to be out of my hands is to utilize the Atonement of Christ and let it heal me. Let the comfort of the lord ease my pain and suffering. I have driven since the accident I drive with extra extra caution. Just because you consider yourself a good driver does not mean you will never get in an accident, other people are irresponsible drivers and your good driving will not always be able to protect you.

What I have learned.

Air bags smell so gross, and aren’t really as bad as some people say. Seatbelts save lives, properly installed car seats, and buckled children more than likely will walk away from an accident with these words “Grammie and Pop Pops car popped, and now it is broke.”-Braden. God is still good. I have not lost faith because a bad thing happened. I know I was blessed that the accident could have been much worse.

Now What

Now I am letting go of this moment in my life. I am no longer going to let it rule over me. I will try my best to not flinch when I hear a balloon pop, or tear up when I think of what happened. I am stronger than this and I am no longer going to let it darken my life.

*Oh yeah and this happened too

I keep reliving my accident because people keep asking. One detail that makes me laugh is this As I cried and pleaded with anyone to help me because of my babies in the car I soon found myself surrounded by a group a people checking on me and peeking in on my kids. I was coherent the whole time with moments of hysteria. In my moments of hysteria I would cry out "my babies, my babies!" Then I would remember to breathe and I would be okay. I had this overwhelming urge to curl up in the fetal position, and go to sleep. I believe my body was trying to shut down and escape reality; I fought it because of my children. In a moment of weakness I knew I just wanted to be held, comforted, my eyes searched for solace and settled on a tall man. I am sure he was a father. "Please, please hold me!" I flung myself in his arms and clung to him like Gollum clung to his precious. It was just a moment of relief amidst the chaos. It makes me laugh because I begged some strange man to hold me; I wonder what went through his mind?