Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes.
I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.
With Love,
Alexandria
