12/1/2008

Every day I drive by the place

And behind the door is your face

To my disgrace

I want to stop and walk the feet

To the point where you and I meet

Open the door, run inside
Unseen by the outside

Cars drive on unaware

As I remain stopped and scared

I told you a lie

Because he made me say goodbye

Now the door is locked

and unheard is my pathetic knock

I ask myself why am I here?

Thought I was going to stay clear

But the last time I walked out the door

A part of me was left wanting more

To my horror I saw a glimpse of what could be

Leaving and coming home to you

For a moment I traveled an untraveled road

For a moment the thought of us glowed

Reality over takes the Fantasy

Have to force myself so the truth is what I see

My fear binds and bounds me up

Need to let go but I can't grow up

I can't help but think you'll do to me

What she wouldn't allow herself to see

I'm left in this place

In front of the door that hides your face

And to my disgrace

I turn around and walk away

I walk the feet that separate you and me

Get in the car and turn the key

Cars drive unaware of my fears

They can't see my silent tears

Unknown to them a heart lies broken

Torn apart by words unspoken

We drive on in a sea of lights

Cutting each other off to win the fight

Numb to each others thoughts

So the hatred rots

Like the fear it tangles itself up in our veins

When we're all gone the hatred still remains

I'm losing the battle...But I will win the war.

In October of last year I welcomed my second son into the world. Along with Blake came a wave of anxiety and depression I was unprepared to handle. It seemed the world had colored itself grey, and the light had gone away. I tried so hard to find happiness in my family, and my life. But everywhere I went I was followed by a dark cloud. The anxiety ate at me and stressed me to tears. My fears came alive and I couldn't conquer them. My dreams were nightmares. I knew I loved my family and they loved me but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never ever leave my home again. I was scared to even touch the handle of the doorknob, scared to think about leaving the safety of my bed. It was easy to fall into a false sense of security in my room I could hide away from everything...and it took some time for me to realize that I was barely getting by and I wasn't living my life to the fullest.
A lot of my depression had to do with the fact I delivered Blake via c-section. I so believed I had failed as a woman, I couldn't even give birth naturally. I love Blake and no matter how he got here I was going to love him and continue loving him. I just couldn't help feeling disappointed in myself. It helped when I went and spoke with my OB who basically told me he knew I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally, and if it weren't for modern medicine my child and I would have probably died in childbirth. But that he wanted to give me the chance he wasn't going to push me either way. I am grateful for that chance he gave me. It was at that appointment that I lost it and voiced my fears and anxiety. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and tried so hard to stay off of medication. At this point in time my sadness ruled my world and I knew it was time for a medical intervention. I also new that at some point I would stop the medication because it was something I didn't want to be dependent on the rest of my life.
So I am losing the battle currently, but I am determined to win the war! As Jordan prepares to leave my heart grows heavier every day. It is hard for me to stay in the present when the future seems so dark without him. Sometimes it will catch me off guard, or I'll forget when I am talking about plans for next year. Jordan is so much a part of me that I had thought I would not be able to function without him here. I was starting to drag myself down into a depth I didn't want to go. So I stopped and I did something that can be very hard, I cried and I told my husband, my mom, my sisters, and now you my lovely readers "I'm not Okay". I'm scared out of my mind for my husband to leave, but I am also doing things in my life to prepare myself for his time away from us. Surprisingly talking about it helps, it sucks but it helps. I also recognize the fact that the medication is helping, but I would like to speak to someone and come off the medication. I strongly believe in therapy it has helped me in the past, and I know it will help me now deal with the heartache and anxiety I feel.
I know for a fact if I did not have the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints in my life I would be so lost. The Lord knew what laid ahead and he sent me life lines to help me get through it. General Conference of last October spoke so deeply to my heart especially Elder Hollands .Like A Broken Vessel. I know also that if I follow the Lord's commandments my burden will be lifted. I know that my greatest therapist is the Lord he has been my companion in some of my darkest moments, and he has been there to lift me out of the abyss. Through Christ I will find healing, I will find hope, and I will endure and win this war that is depression and anxiety. My dear friends depression and anxiety are real things that can cause more damage and hurt then necessary. Please reach out and seek help, there are times when you can get through it alone but there are also times you need the help of others. You think they know you need help but they don't, I promise the moment you tell them you need help they will jump to your side and remain there as long as you need them. Look for healing in your faith whether your faith is the same as mine or not, ask for prayers when you need them. Do not for a second think you are unloved...you are loved so very much by your friends, family, and the Lord.