The most intimate thing I miss.

My husband has been deployed for almost 100 days, and not lived in our home since June. Today I am going to get intimate with you and discuss intimacy.

My good friend Google defines intimacy as so: in·ti·ma·cy
ˈin(t)əməsē/
noun
noun: intimacy
close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
"the intimacy between a husband and wife"
synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; informalchumminess
"the sisters reestablished their old intimacy"
a private cozy atmosphere.
"the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it"
an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse.
synonyms: sexual relations, (sexual) intercourse, sex, lovemaking; More
an intimate remark.
plural noun: intimacies
"here she was sitting swapping intimacies with a stranger"
closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.
"he acquired an intimacy with Swahili literature"

Let us get to it and discuss which definition of intimacy I miss the most and believe to play a vital role in a relationship at least my relationship with my husband. 
close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
"the intimacy between a husband and wife"
synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence

You thought I was going to talk about physical intimacy didn't you? Nope I want to talk about the togetherness of intimacy. The act of laying in bed with your head on his chest, his heart beating your name and yours beats his. All the world around you vanishes and for a moment you feel you are quite possibly in a different dimension. Euphoria flows through as you breathe in sync. Troubles are lost, peace vibrates through the room. It is a spiritual experience that you don't want to spend with anyone else. Because that person your head is laying on he is your person, he gets you, loves you every step of the way, he knows when to just hold you, he knows how to comfort you keep your head above water in the storms of bad days. He gently leads you to your rightful place by his side. You are his queen, he would do anything for you and you for him. He is rooted in the gospel of Christ he understands that he wants you there with him to be received by the Lord and all his glory. He is what you miss, his intimate companionship.

I truly hoped I conveyed my feelings in a way that is understandable. You don't have to be physically intimate to be in an intimate relationship. I honestly can live without physical intimacy, it is the emotional intimacy I miss most.

That one time in college I cried...in front of my classmates

As many of you know(which is no one because seriously who reads this) I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints "Mormon", I am also a college student. This term I took a class English 107 Intro to Early Literature. Our class included reading  the Hebrew Bible, The Ramayana(which I loved), Rumi, Sappho, Aristotle, Plato, The Tale of 1001 Nights (also loved), The Yang Poets(super loved), etc. It was all pretty ancient I mean thousands of years B.C. ancient. Like the first text ever written down kind of stuff. I say written down because oral stories have been around since the beginning.
Early on in our class my teacher let us know we would be given the opportunity to share a piece of literature with the class as a presentation. I jumped at the chance and thought what a great way to share The Book of Mormon. This class was a class based on fiction works, everything we read we read as if it were fictional. I knew going into my presentation that I was going to present the writings I felt to be true, as fictional if I chose to do my presentation on The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is full of wonderful stories, and I wanted to share those stories even if it mean I was to share them as fiction.
I wrote my presentation proposal and got the go ahead from my teacher. She said as long as I understood my presentation would be to highlight the stories and that it would be considered as fictional it was okay. I understood what she wanted me to do and I began preparing. I was to give a brief history or summary of The Book of Mormon and choose one or two stories to share with the class. I didn't want my presentation to be too long so I narrowed it down to two stories and decided between the story of Enos, and the story of Ammon.

Day of my presentation

I was really nervous which is normal for me before a presentation. I went into class as prepared as I thought I could be. I began with my short history who, what where and when. This is Lehi he and his family left Jerusalem this is a record of the people in America. A showed one picture of Joseph Smith but asked told the class not to worry about him because he wasn't important he just translated the text later on. We were looking at the stories of the text which dates to before Christ. I decided to share Enos's story, and my favorite verses to highlight the way the text was written. We talked a little bit about Joseph Campbells ideas on Mythology and how we could draw connection from that with The Book of Mormon. I finished in the appropriate amount of time a short and sweet 10 minute presentation...but then

I asked Does Anyone Have Any Questions?

A hand shot up faster than one of Katniss's arrows. "I don't feel this an appropriate text for this class since Joseph Smith translated it in the 1800's. Also there is no proof of the Book of Mormon really existing. National Geographic doesn't even acknowledge it." (My teacher approved my proposal so therefore she made it appropriate.) My heart jumped to my throat and I replied "There is actually recent documentation of bones found that correlate with happenings of The Book of Mormon, and there is the witnesses." 

Bam another arrow shot at me "There is proof that Joseph Smith forged the Book of Abraham in The Book of Mormon.--" 

I interrupt "The book of Abraham?" 

"Yeah the book of Abraham." 

"There is no book of Abraham in The Book of Mormon."(It is in the pearl of great price and we know he took someone else's words it is called the Joseph Smith translation)

Back and forth these two individuals fed off of one another and ripped into me about the authenticity of The Book of Mormon.(Remember when I said this was a fiction class, and I was presenting it as fiction...I don't think they remember that.)

Finally after about 45 minutes of a one-sided debate my teacher chimed in "I let Alex do this project. Why is it the Western Religious writings cause so much heat?"

The Part that got me

"I felt like SHE was PREACHING at me." 

 We then spent another 10 minutes discussing why people get so upset over western religious stories but can read the Ramayana and feel fine. Did you know that people out there believe what happened in the Ramayana really happened, just like I believe what happened in The Book of Mormon really happened. What is truth to one, is a fictional story to others. Who draws the line? Is it black and white or a blurry grey area. It is most definitely a blurry grey area. 

"I felt like SHE was PREACHING at me." 

That right there you guys is what got me. I no way intended to go up there and preach to them, I only wanted to share stories I grew up listening too. I think it hurt so bad because it felt like it was a jab at my character. I am not a preacher, I do not push my beliefs on anyone. I have friends, family, who are not members of the church who have left the church, and I am open minded I love them just the way they are. I know as a disciple of Christ it is not my place to judge, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ I know I am supposed to help spread the gospel, and that for me has never been by preaching. It isn't me, it has never been me, and it probably won't ever be me. And then...

I cried

Not because they were ripping my religion apart in front of me, trying to make me doubt, no I cried like a baby in front of a group of 25 college students because someone felt I was preaching to them. I sobbed and said "I am not that person, and I never intended to come off as preaching." Through ugly breaths of tears I apologized and unable to speak through the tears I took my seat. I sat through the remainder of class with tears streaming down my face as I thought about my public humiliation. I so badly wanted to get up and run out of class but I remained sniffling in my seat for the next hour of class. Two more presentations were given (appropriately 10 minutes long)  and finally class was over, I escaped quickly out the door and never looked back. I walked to my car, got inside of it and for the upteenth time I cried again like a baby. 

Looking Back

I feel like there are several things I could have done differently. One being when asked about Joseph Smith I could have politely responded "You know my presentation is just on the stories of the people of The Book of Mormon, if you would like to discuss Joseph Smith I will gladly talk with you after class."(Boom situation averted! Yay everyone claps) But no I didn't do that. I could have gone with bloody Ammon(pun intended) instead of prayerful Enos. The guys would have loved all the arms and gore. I didn't though and there is nothing I can do to change that. All I know is that it was an experience I hope to never live through again, also I am grateful for it to. It has taught me a lot about myself, others, and society too. 

Before My Frontal Lobe was fully developed.

Everything is falling beautifully into place. I finally decided on a major and I am beyond excited to see it all working out. I am going to be a Psychologist, I haven't decided if I will be a High School Psychologist or teach Psychology at college level. Either way I will major in Psychology and master in Education.
I have been learning the coolest things about the brain, and body you guys! It seriously is so cool!

I specifically want to talk about the frontal lobe and my experience with it. Below are a generalization of the roles each lobe plays.  

Studies show(expect to hear that a lot from me lol) that your Frontal lobe is not fully developed until you are about the age of 24. Also as you age specifically hit your 80's, 90's, your brain begins to revert to it's beginning stages in the frontal lobe. (kind of like Benjamin Button) Young Men seem to struggle a lot more with frontal lobe development than young women. However women are not exempt and now I will share several examples that prove my frontal lobe was not fully developed. It helps explain though why young men, and old people can sometimes be just a tad bit immature.Like that one time your grandpa hit on your best friend...I mean if that ever happened because it didn't. 

Instance number 1 The Runaway Teen

Once upon a time I was a frustrated 17 year old girl. Mad at the world I packed suitcases and decided it was time for me to run away. In the heat of the moment I made my move. I drug my suitcases to my car piled them in, and locked myself in the car. I sat here probably for about 45 minutes. Jordan(boyfriend at the time husband now) shows up and we proceed to have this conversation.

Jordan: You ran away?

Alex; YES!

Jordan: To your car?

Alex: YES!(obviously I was in the car!)

Jordan: To your broken down car in your parents driveway?

Alex: YES!!(did I fail to mention that I ran away to my car that was broken down in my parents driveway)

Jordan just laughed and walked into my house, later on my dad (the one who calmly tries to fix it) knocks lightly on the door, says something sensible I agree grabs my suitcases and rolls them into the house for me. 

Instance number 2 The Bookshelf

Once upon a time I bought a cheap bookshelf from Walmart. I wanted so badly to piece it all together myself. What began hopeful soon turned sour, I was so frustrated I swear I was doing everything right. Jordan(still boyfriend) knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I needed help. At this point I realized I had completely done it wrong and definitely  needed help...however my frontal lobe was like "Alex you got this. What you should do is grab everything soft and chuck it at Jordan he is the one messing you up." (everything soft because I didn't want to hurt him) Thus ensues a battle of flying monkeys, bears, and pillows Jordan dodged left and right and finally retreated. We both were in tears his from laughter mine from frustration. I sat in a pile of self defeat, then a soft knock at the door of course it is my Dad he says something sensible, I listen he comes in pieces the book shelf together and leaves me to decorating it happily. 

Instance number 3 The Fone

Man dealing with me before my frontal lobe was fully developed must have taken a lot of effort. Kudos to all who dealt with me! I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 15 years old and technically I had to share it with my 12 year old sister...which I considered bogus! I was on said phone, Jordan(sister) asked to have it. I replied No. A battle of words began back and forth we fought and my final sentence ended the fight...and began a fit of laughter. 

I yelled "IT'S MY PHONE! F-O-N-E! I SPELT IT RIGHT TOO!"

Silence....

More Silence...

"I spelt it wrong didn't I?"

Laughter Fit

I chose to highlight my funnier pre-frontal lobe development. Unfortunately I have sad stories that also show my lacking frontal lobe development. Let's just be happy! 

Wait there is more...

Instance number 4 The Game of Life...

Once upon a time I was at my best friend Danikas' house. We were playing the game of life, and I was doing pretty well. I was a doctor had a huge salary, kept landing on free handouts, I was flying hi. Then my best friend and other friend decided to play a trick on me. They both accused me of cheating, I swore I wasn't but they continued to say I was cheating and lying. Fully developed frontal lobe Alex would had laughed it off, and said it is just a silly game...that Alex wasn't there. The Alex that was there grabbed the game threw it up in the air yelling...no screaming "I am not a cheater!" She then ran outside barefoot into typical Oregon weather buckets of rain. I guess I could have walked home but my mom was inside where I just had my not fully developed frontal lobe meltdown. 

Dear Frontal Lobe, thanks for taking your sweet time developing. 

You and Me

 Look at me, really look please just see me.

You look at me in shades of grey when I have lost my way

You see me in yellow as my joy brings the sun’s rays

But I am always tinted in red.

Don't deny it you don't see just me you see red and it is screaming of infidelity.

You have watched me in green foaming with jealousy

And loved me in hues of pink

But always I am shadowed by red and it screams of my infidelity.

You have witnessed me in white gleaming with innocence

Watched me fight through my blackest days

But it is in red I will always stay,

Screaming my infidelities

Who has painted me this way?

You reply I see you for you

You see me in green dripping with Jealousy

You see me in blue a whirlwind of my past

In red I have fought my way

A muddy brown speaks of the miles we've come

But hues of green, dripping with Jealousy

Just see me

You and Me

Silence the whispers that paint us this way

You are the artist I am the key

Just see me

Silence

Jealousy

Infidelity

Silence

You and Me

Love is all we see

Baby this Mama is Crazy: Follow my Toddler on Twitter

As the world continues to advance technology wise I find myself adapting. I am an old fashioned kinda gal I would take a real book over an e-book any day. When it comes to my children I have decided to continue an old fashioned baby book, and also adapt to the world around me.
I have created an email account for both Braden and Blake. By doing so I hope to email them weekly, monthly,  or whenever I remember about our lives. My emails will most likely be what we did that day, a story about them, things they like/dislike, and pictures I have taken of them recently.  My hopes in creating the emails is so one day I give them the password and the email account reflects a happy fulfilling childhood.
Babies and toddlers have Facebook now, and I get it. I can remember thinking why would someone do that. Now I know it is a way to keep track of memories. Create a Facebook, an email, or an instagram. Share with your babies what they did today, share how much you love them.
I don't know if my boys will even care later on, but I know in my heart that there is a purpose behind my madness. I love my kids, and this is a quick easy way to express my love a little more to them.

Remember to each their own.

Baby this Mama is Crazy: The Sock War

Let me introduce you to my 1 year old Blake. He loves to pull his socks of his little toesies with a passion! It happens to be getting colder, and he needs socks on his toes. I put socks on he takes them off, I put them back on he takes them off. Ladies and Gents it is a constant battle, one I always end up losing! And when I lose those poor little toes turn purple from the cold, and concerned people say "Why isn't your son wearing socks." 

This Mama was tired of the sock war, and all the comments from concerned individuals. So what did I do I went out and I bought my son thick tights that are meant for girls. One grey pair and one blue pair to start out with! Guess what those tights stay on his toes, his toes stay warm, and you can't even tell he is wearing tights unless you change his diaper. 

I began to search for tights for boys, which are hard to come by because apparently I am the only person who has ever thought of this...NO! H&M has super cute tights for boys, they are dinosaurs, cars, stripes, they are adorable. My toddler wants to wear them. Maybe someone will see this and tap into a boy tights industry because seriously I would by them, and I am sure many mommas facing the sock war would invest in tights too. 

Look what is on it's way for Christmas...

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

My mind sometimes wanders to the past, especially to my several failed relationships. Five to be exact, I am not as crazy as some of you think. For the longest time I fought myself, I didn't want to accept the fact that a part of me had loved any part of them. I was embarrassed, ashamed that things didn't work out.
Don't get me wrong I am madly in love with Jordan. I am happy he is my husband, and grateful he is mine for eternity. It is hard though to forget the past because I always feel there is something wrong with me and that is why my relationships failed. I am having a hard time letting it go I need to know why, or what I did wrong.
I am going to pause now take a deep breath and look at this differently.
We will refer to my failed relationships as FR.
The first thing I need to do obviously after breathing is accept the fact that some part of me loved FR, and because I am human and have a heart that part of me will always care about FR. I do not need to obsess over the reason/reasons why FR and I did not last. Instead I want to look at the time we shared with happiness, and not regret. Regret is such a heavy emotion it is something I don't need in my life. As I grow older unfortunately I find it easier to pinpoint moments in my life of immaturity. Said immature moments caused me to behave in ways I hope I never repeat.
I want to talk about the part of me that cares for FR. That does not mean I dote on them, and hope they dote on me. It means I wish them happiness in all areas of there life. It means I want them to be successful, to have families, to love and be loved. I would hope if ever they think of me they wish the same things for me.
The hardest part at failed relationships is the loss of the friend not the boyfriend. It is very difficult but possible to remain friends after a failed relationship. You wish you could go back and save yourself  from the pain of losing them, but you can't. You can only move forward. Understand this nothing will be the same, it will never go back to how it was.
So what do you do with that? You take a deep breath, accept it, let it go, and move on.
Why? Because you know they are happy, they are loved. Also you have a super hot army man that chose you to be his wife, and mother of his children. You wouldn't change any part of the past because the past made you the person yoy are today. You are grateful for all aspects of the relationship the beginning and the end. You are grateful because it gave you knowledge, you are a better person because of it. You are happy, you are loved, and when you think of FR you smile at the memories, and lessons learned. You are going to be okay.