Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes.
I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.
In October of last year I welcomed my second son into the world. Along with Blake came a wave of anxiety and depression I was unprepared to handle. It seemed the world had colored itself grey, and the light had gone away. I tried so hard to find happiness in my family, and my life. But everywhere I went I was followed by a dark cloud. The anxiety ate at me and stressed me to tears. My fears came alive and I couldn't conquer them. My dreams were nightmares. I knew I loved my family and they loved me but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never ever leave my home again. I was scared to even touch the handle of the doorknob, scared to think about leaving the safety of my bed. It was easy to fall into a false sense of security in my room I could hide away from everything...and it took some time for me to realize that I was barely getting by and I wasn't living my life to the fullest.
A lot of my depression had to do with the fact I delivered Blake via c-section. I so believed I had failed as a woman, I couldn't even give birth naturally. I love Blake and no matter how he got here I was going to love him and continue loving him. I just couldn't help feeling disappointed in myself. It helped when I went and spoke with my OB who basically told me he knew I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally, and if it weren't for modern medicine my child and I would have probably died in childbirth. But that he wanted to give me the chance he wasn't going to push me either way. I am grateful for that chance he gave me. It was at that appointment that I lost it and voiced my fears and anxiety. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and tried so hard to stay off of medication. At this point in time my sadness ruled my world and I knew it was time for a medical intervention. I also new that at some point I would stop the medication because it was something I didn't want to be dependent on the rest of my life.
So I am losing the battle currently, but I am determined to win the war! As Jordan prepares to leave my heart grows heavier every day. It is hard for me to stay in the present when the future seems so dark without him. Sometimes it will catch me off guard, or I'll forget when I am talking about plans for next year. Jordan is so much a part of me that I had thought I would not be able to function without him here. I was starting to drag myself down into a depth I didn't want to go. So I stopped and I did something that can be very hard, I cried and I told my husband, my mom, my sisters, and now you my lovely readers "I'm not Okay". I'm scared out of my mind for my husband to leave, but I am also doing things in my life to prepare myself for his time away from us. Surprisingly talking about it helps, it sucks but it helps. I also recognize the fact that the medication is helping, but I would like to speak to someone and come off the medication. I strongly believe in therapy it has helped me in the past, and I know it will help me now deal with the heartache and anxiety I feel.
I know for a fact if I did not have the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints in my life I would be so lost. The Lord knew what laid ahead and he sent me life lines to help me get through it. General Conference of last October spoke so deeply to my heart especially Elder Hollands .Like A Broken Vessel. I know also that if I follow the Lord's commandments my burden will be lifted. I know that my greatest therapist is the Lord he has been my companion in some of my darkest moments, and he has been there to lift me out of the abyss. Through Christ I will find healing, I will find hope, and I will endure and win this war that is depression and anxiety. My dear friends depression and anxiety are real things that can cause more damage and hurt then necessary. Please reach out and seek help, there are times when you can get through it alone but there are also times you need the help of others. You think they know you need help but they don't, I promise the moment you tell them you need help they will jump to your side and remain there as long as you need them. Look for healing in your faith whether your faith is the same as mine or not, ask for prayers when you need them. Do not for a second think you are unloved...you are loved so very much by your friends, family, and the Lord.
I wanted to share something very personal today. As a human being I am imperfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. When mistakes have been made I have made the decision to repent of the mistakes, whether I need to speak with the Bishop or just take care of it with the Lord. No matter what the case I have repented. Every Sunday I take the sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants. I promise you I cannot even make it a week without making a mistake. There have been times when my mistakes have needed the council of my Bishop. At first I was scared, and ashamed and did not want to talk to anyone about my mistake. However after talking with the Bishop feeling his love, and understanding more deeply the grace of God, I knew that it was better to repent of my mistake than to forever live with the guilt and pain it caused. Your repentance process is private shared only between your Bishop, you, and the Savior. My process at one point had some rules I needed to follow in order to fully repent of my mistake and to protect myself from making future mistakes. The repentance process is not always easy, and it hurts to heal. I was once asked by a friend "Is it worth it?" I wrote the following passage after being asked that question.
My heart and soul cried in anguish as the question began to fester in my mind. Is it worth it? My question is how would you feel to go days no months without feeling the comfort of the Savior by your side? Months of being an unhappy person, of fighting with the people you love? To go to bed with tears of sadness streaming down your face? With the pains of your sins weighing you down to the point where you feel you can't even breathe no longer are you in control but your sins now control you. What ever happened to the real happiness you once felt, loved, and shared? You try your best to blend in with everyone else, but you know you lack something they unknowingly have, that constant companion of Christ. Ask me again if it is worth it, and I shall die because why wouldn't it be worth it? A temple marriage, a strong relationship with Christ, Heavenly Father, and the ones you love? It is worth it, it is always worth it to take those steps to fixing your relationship with Christ. The door is there we must open it not put a deadbolt on the door, then block the door with bricks to the point we are numb, and cannot hear the cries of Christ on the other side calling us back to him. It is worth it to be healed and to be whole in the eyes of the Lord. Remember for me he died, and for him I shall live.
I was thirsty and could not drink I was hungry and could not partake
But through humility I found my Faith
I took the road most traveled by
And later on felt I would die
The price I paid for just a second
A second of Worldly things
It compares to nothing
When I think about how he died for me
I fell to my knees in shame
And knew I was the only one to blame
As I cried my heart did break
All for one silly mistake
I told you and myself, I could not continue living this way
I had to stand back up
I looked towards heaven for my strength and answer
Through tear stained eyes you were found
Shining with glorious forgiving power
My tears were my only sound
"Come unto me my precious child."
You spoke so softly and dear
I had nothing to fear
as I entered your arms my tears continued to spill
"I know these tears, but my child I have forgiven thee. I have felt your pain I have carried your burden. I love thee just the same. No love is greater than my will."
And so he had forgiven me, and so must I forgive myself
To him I pray every day Pray for strength to stand, to find my way back to his eternal grace
I know I let go for just a little bit
But I know my Savior will forgive and forget
When I was thirsty and could not drink
When I was hungry and could not partake
With humility I found my Faith
There are so many to thank
For their Kindness, Prayers, and Faith
But only one can I think to name
Only one made it possible for me to live this day
Only one holds the highest place in my heart
Only one died for me so I may return to him
Only one do I call my best friend
My king, My friend, My brother
My Savior
My relationship with my Savior is very important to me. When I am not fully living a converted life my spirit suffers. When I am living fully converted the life I live is wonderful. Words can barely describe the peace and happiness that surrounds me. I respect the fact that not all share my beliefs and I hope you would respect my beliefs and feelings. I am being honest in the fact that I have sinned and it is through God's amazing grace I am saved.
There is a part of me that is constantly comparing my life to the lives of those I read about in books, and watch on TV shows. I cannot help but find many of my everyday moments could seriously be taken out of the Lord of the Rings. Especially when it comes to raising hungry toddlers.
I find myself in love with the writings of J.R.R. Tolkein and quote him often. In High School I was struggling with a particular part of the Book of Mormon and just couldn't understand two groups of people and how wicked they truly were. So I did what I did best and I related it to something I knew and luckily my seminary teacher knew exactly what I was talking about. I understood better when I realized that at that time Lamenites were like Orcs, and Amalekites were like Uruk-Hai. One was evil and the other a little more evil, and bad.
When I find a good quote in my life that strengthens me as a mother I tend to have it on repeat in moments I find myself overwhelmed. There are many Sundays I am alone with my two boys, Sam and Josh are there but are taking care of their two kids. Let me remind you I have an almost 2yr old, and a 3 month old. It gets crazy really quick especially when they both want your attention. Last Sunday Jordan happened to be at church but it was still crazy. My cheeks were flushed mostly from trying to wrestle my toddler out from under the pew, and slightly with embarrassment as my toddler yelled out "No time out Mommy!" (I swear I do not put him in time out very often.) He continued to talk and kick because he did not want to sit still for the sacrament. My eyes close to tears as I thought about what others thought of me, and my unruly bunch of kids. The thought entered my mind maybe we shouldn't come to church until they can be reverent, or we should sit in the foyer as to not offend or annoy any one. Out of the back of my abyss of negativity came the quote "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." Peace entered my mind, and soul and the Lord took the opportunity to teach me a lesson. I was exactly where I needed to be no matter how crazy my kids were acting. I was in the Lords house receiving the messages he needed me to hear. Sure I only caught bits and pieces, and my child continued to be unruly to the point he was taken out of the chapel by his father but we were at church and we were somehow making it. The Lord understood I needed reassurance so he sent up a lovely woman who happened to be a nonmember to the pulpit. She shared some stories with us, and then spoke of her love for the "Mormon" people. How she loved coming to our Chapels and hearing the children. Tears entered my eyes again as I listened to this woman and her words. She loved my unruly, noisy child, and I did too. "I never said it was going to be easy I only said it would be worth it."My life is far from easy, far from perfect but I know if I keep positive thoughts in my head if I remember I am exactly where I need to be it will be worth it. Worth it to kneel before my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, worth it to be with my family for eternity. It will be so worth it. I love my children with all my heart, I love the chaos they bring, most importantly I love that they are making me want to be a better person for them. There are going to be times where I am going to want to wave the white flag, and not endure. I am thankful that when those times happen I have a loving Heavenly Father and Mother, and Savior who know I need to be strengthened. I love that they have already prepared me for those times by helping me surround myself with people who will uplift and heal me. I pray that I can be a strength to others, that I ALWAYS let the positive outweigh the negative. That I remember who I am and what I stand for. I cherish these moments with my precious children because there will be a time when they will be out on their own and I will miss the noise of their sweet voices. My heart is full of love as I overcome, and truly feel the power of forgiveness. I know who I am, and I love who I am.
