If these tables could talk...

When my parents got a new table the graciously gave their old kitchen table the one I grew up with to us. In our most recent move we graciously received a newer kitchen table from my brother and sister in-law. I love my tables I love their character and the stories they tell.

The one from my in-laws still has stickers from several different moves in the military. If this table could talk I am sure it would tell wonderful stories of different states, and even countries.

The one from my parents has countless scratch marks, chips in painting, weird drawings my weird brother etched into the table (thanks Bud). As I sat down to do my homework today and my hand hit the table it made me stop and think about how many times I have sat down to this table and done my homework. For over 10 years I have sat down to this exact table and worked on homework. For over 10 years this table has been a part of my life. And if it could talk what memories would it share? Would it laugh and groan at the time the family was playing spoons and the intense game caused the table to collapse on itself as several people jumped to grab a spoon. Would it fondly speak of all the dinner time meals  it shared with family, and friends? Would it feel sad about all the missed family meal times?

I know this post seems silly, but I truly love these two tables because of the stories that have been imprinted on them, and the stories that will continue to be imprinted on them.

A post about two of my favorite things: Jordans'

Jordan Blake Eliason

Today where Jordan is it is his birthday! Technically here in the US his birthday isn't until tomorrow so we are a little early but Happy Birthday Jordan. 

Jordan and I met when we were 14 years old. This will be the first birthday in 6 years I have spent without him...it is weird. I miss him like crazy, and I am so proud of the wonderful example he is to our children. I couldn't have asked for a better eternal companion and I am glad he is mine for eternity. We may miss a couple birthdays here and there because of deployments but we will have an eternity to spend together! 

Jordan Danae Jarvis

Luckily for me two of my favorite things share the same name! I admire my little sister her strength and her courage to set off on a new adventure. She is awesome! I love her and I am so very proud of her. I guess I should mention Jordan set off to attend Brigham Young University in Idaho this was her first week of classes. Jordan new this was going to be a struggle mentally for her because one thing she and I inherited from our mother is anxiety, especially separation anxiety. Jordan did not let her separation anxiety hold her back from achieving her educational goals. I am so proud of her! I can't wait to see how far she goes in life. She is one of my bestest friends, and I look up to her. She is stubborn, and can be a brat ;) but she is my stubborn brat!! 

I love my Jordans'

The Lord has blessed me with an abundance of Jordans' in my life but these two Jordans' are my favorite! And I am so grateful to have them in my life to help me through the bad, make me laugh, and just be there for me. So Happy Birthday Jordan Eliason, and Jordan Jarvis you keep living those dreams! 

I am not okay

October 26th 2014

Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes. 

I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.

With Love, 

Alexandria 

Wordless Wednesday

I'm losing the battle...But I will win the war.

In October of last year I welcomed my second son into the world. Along with Blake came a wave of anxiety and depression I was unprepared to handle. It seemed the world had colored itself grey, and the light had gone away. I tried so hard to find happiness in my family, and my life. But everywhere I went I was followed by a dark cloud. The anxiety ate at me and stressed me to tears. My fears came alive and I couldn't conquer them. My dreams were nightmares. I knew I loved my family and they loved me but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never ever leave my home again. I was scared to even touch the handle of the doorknob, scared to think about leaving the safety of my bed. It was easy to fall into a false sense of security in my room I could hide away from everything...and it took some time for me to realize that I was barely getting by and I wasn't living my life to the fullest.
A lot of my depression had to do with the fact I delivered Blake via c-section. I so believed I had failed as a woman, I couldn't even give birth naturally. I love Blake and no matter how he got here I was going to love him and continue loving him. I just couldn't help feeling disappointed in myself. It helped when I went and spoke with my OB who basically told me he knew I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally, and if it weren't for modern medicine my child and I would have probably died in childbirth. But that he wanted to give me the chance he wasn't going to push me either way. I am grateful for that chance he gave me. It was at that appointment that I lost it and voiced my fears and anxiety. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and tried so hard to stay off of medication. At this point in time my sadness ruled my world and I knew it was time for a medical intervention. I also new that at some point I would stop the medication because it was something I didn't want to be dependent on the rest of my life.
So I am losing the battle currently, but I am determined to win the war! As Jordan prepares to leave my heart grows heavier every day. It is hard for me to stay in the present when the future seems so dark without him. Sometimes it will catch me off guard, or I'll forget when I am talking about plans for next year. Jordan is so much a part of me that I had thought I would not be able to function without him here. I was starting to drag myself down into a depth I didn't want to go. So I stopped and I did something that can be very hard, I cried and I told my husband, my mom, my sisters, and now you my lovely readers "I'm not Okay". I'm scared out of my mind for my husband to leave, but I am also doing things in my life to prepare myself for his time away from us. Surprisingly talking about it helps, it sucks but it helps. I also recognize the fact that the medication is helping, but I would like to speak to someone and come off the medication. I strongly believe in therapy it has helped me in the past, and I know it will help me now deal with the heartache and anxiety I feel.
I know for a fact if I did not have the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints in my life I would be so lost. The Lord knew what laid ahead and he sent me life lines to help me get through it. General Conference of last October spoke so deeply to my heart especially Elder Hollands .Like A Broken Vessel. I know also that if I follow the Lord's commandments my burden will be lifted. I know that my greatest therapist is the Lord he has been my companion in some of my darkest moments, and he has been there to lift me out of the abyss. Through Christ I will find healing, I will find hope, and I will endure and win this war that is depression and anxiety. My dear friends depression and anxiety are real things that can cause more damage and hurt then necessary. Please reach out and seek help, there are times when you can get through it alone but there are also times you need the help of others. You think they know you need help but they don't, I promise the moment you tell them you need help they will jump to your side and remain there as long as you need them. Look for healing in your faith whether your faith is the same as mine or not, ask for prayers when you need them. Do not for a second think you are unloved...you are loved so very much by your friends, family, and the Lord.

8 and Counting.

 Multifamily Living with the Williasons

I have been referring to our current living situation as “Cohabitation” I looked further into the definition of the word and would like you to know that we are not “Cohabitating” the way it is defined. I should have used the word multifamily living not “Cohabitation”. I sleep with my husband, Sam sleeps with her husband we do not share husbands…eww! 

Question 1: What led you guys to that choice?

Our decision to move in together had a lot to do with my husband Jordan’s military career. The National Guard drills once a month, and two weeks out of the year. With the way things are going a deployment seems to be in our future. When and if Jordan deploys he will be gone up to a year. I knew that I didn’t want to live by myself while he is deployed so we made plans to move in together. It also seemed more sensible we are renting a six bedroom home cheaper than us renting apartments separately.

Question 2: Do you share kitchen responsibilities? 

We try and do a clean up after yourself rule but sometimes it doesn’t work. We are pretty adult about the whole situation because we know we aren’t purposely leaving messes for the other person to clean up, most of the time for me at least I totally forget I have left something out. Sometimes I clean the whole kitchen sometimes Sam, Josh or Jordan clean the whole kitchen. However when one of us is cleaning the kitchen it isn’t like the other people are sitting on their butts doing nothing, together we have 4 kids under 2 someone needs to entertain the kids while one or two of us attempt to clean. We do clean together, and we try to keep the messes in the kitchen to a minimum because toddlers can push chairs and whatever is left on the counter is free game. 

Question 3: Do you ever feel like one family does more than another?

I feel like in any situation there are going to be moments where you feel you are doing more than the other people in your job, school groups, and home. There are certain chores some people like and some people don’t like. Josh and I end up doing the dishes most of the time because we really don’t mind it. Sam sweeps a ton…again with 4 under 2 we need to be sweeping constantly. The biggest thing we need to remember about multifamily living is we are going to have moments where we are upset because we feel like the other family is being lazy not contributing enough to the household chores and we need to talk about it. With multifamily living you can’t burry things under the rug it will only get worse and you have the risk of destroying a relationship you don’t want to lose.

Open communication is essential to multifamily living if you can’t communicate between families you will have issues no doubt about it. You also want to make sure you are communicating between each other and not an outside source. Your home is your business and you don’t want things getting blown out of proportion or misconstrued. Family council is going to happen because you are a great big family living together that’s going to have problems and you will need to resolve them. You have to be comfortable enough to say “The cupboards in the kitchen are being left open and I keep hitting my head in the middle of the night when I go to get a drink.” Then the people leaving the cupboards open (Alex because she is 5’3” and doesn’t realize they could hit a taller person in the head…and maybe she was being lazy.) will realize what they are doing and make sure they shut the cupboards.  

I love multifamily living the benefits are amazing, especially when you have a husband who works a lot. I have countless examples of the good things about it here are just a few.

Christmas time this year was crazy I wasn’t able to go shopping until the Saturday before Christmas with my toddler and newborn in toe. When I got home both kids were definitely ready for naps and I had my arms full as I tried to figure out the best way to unload kids, groceries, and presents. Then out the door comes Josh asking what I need help with I give him the kids he takes them into Sam and then continues to help me unload the car. Could you imagine if I was still living in a second story apartment by myself…

Sam and I both suffer from migraines there have been several times that we have been able to go lay down for an hour or two while the other person watches and entertains the kids. Another thing that we wouldn’t be able to do if we lived separately.

Dinner is quite an experience with 3 who are eating food and love to experience it with all their senses…lol literally we have pulled some things out of noses and ears before…mainly Braden’s. However at the end of the meal when it is time to clean up with four adults one or two can tackle the baths and the others can clean up the chaos in the dining room! 

We have made some of the coolest memories and it has only been two months. It has been an adjustment but we are all enjoying it. We have common areas we all hang out in such as the living, dining, kitchen, and playroom. We also have our private areas we can retreat to if we are feeling overwhelmed and need a sensory break. All the living bills are cut in half! We go on family walks together and the looks on people’s faces when we tell them we are sisters and live together is priceless…lol add in we are Mormon and you get a look of complete shock. I seriously want to tell people we are sister wives just because their facial expressions crack me up. And I am sure they get even more confused when the kids call Josh “Daddy Josh” and Jordan “Daddy Chaka”. It’s hard to explain but it’s us.

Our living situation helps us both out. But I don’t think Sam and Josh know how wonderful it has been for us. Drill weekends are really hard on Braden and I have seen over the past couple months them become easier because Braden has “Daddy Josh” and his best friend Colden to help distract him while Jordan is gone. That has been really helpful and easier on my heart to see some of the pain of Jordan being gone erased from our lives.

Toddlers are hilarious and if we weren’t living together we would miss out on Colden and Braden conversations such as.

C: Daddy is Josh

B: Daddy Chaka

C: No Braden Daddy Josh

B: Daddy Chaka

This conversation was on repeat for a good ten minutes. 

Cha-cha-changes!

I'm going to try my best to not be all over the place with this blog but I have a feeling with my pregnancy brain and normal ADHD it may get a little confusing.

First off I am 31 weeks pregnant only 9 more weeks to go! I find it funny no matter what point I am at in my pregnancy whether 10, 20, or 30 weeks when asked when my due date is the return comment is always that is forever away. I smile but really my crazy pregnancy hormones want to yell "Don't tell a pregnant lady she has forever to go with her pregnancy ever!!" lol. I think people are a little surprised my due date is at the end of October because of how big I am already. I have learned from my previous pregnancy that because of my height my belly just grows straight out! With Braden and this baby I have always measured 4 weeks ahead. My Doctor isn't worried since it seems to be the normal way I grow. This baby is very active especially at night time. My heartburn has been terrible, and we had a gestational diabetes scare. Luckily though my 2hr test came back normal! I'm going to try to eat healthy though and continue to exercise especially swimming since that seems to be the only way to ease the sciatica and pelvic pain. This may be TMI but I so badly want to have a successful VBAC(Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and I exercise will help me get there! I don't want to labor again and then have to have a c-section I feel like that would be like preparing for a marathon and then having someone push me in a stroller through it. I know as long as I have an amazing support team, positive thinking and my water doesn't break early again I can be successful. A c-section is not the worse thing that could happen but it is scary for me. I know I have had one before and I still remember the pain of it and I really don't want to have to go through that again. I know people have their own opinions on c-sections, vbacs and stuff I prefer only positive uplifting comments as I grow closer to delivery!

Moving on from pregnancy to family. Jordan returned last Wednesday from 3 weeks down in Glendale helping out with the fires. Jordan and I have been apart several times in our relationship, even before we were married. You think that I would have got used to saying goodbye to my best friend, but it gets harder and harder with each goodbye. Especially now that I can see the effect it has on Braden. One of the nice things about Jordan being gone though is it gives me plenty of  opportunity to reflect on how much I miss him and how much he means to our little family. He can be a real pain in my butt, and sometimes it is a struggle to get him to empty the dishwasher but I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing!

Personal stuff that has changed. Well as Jordan was gone I made the decision that it was probably best to quit my job at Cinemark. I have worked there for almost 5 years. I met some amazing people, some crazies, and learned a lot about the movie industries like theater workers don't get overtime because they are considered a part of Hollywood and Hollywood doesn't get overtime just really big paychecks! I will not miss feeling obligated to work every single weekend of the year, feeling guilty for requesting off holidays. And the best part is I get to be at home with my adorable son Braden! I left my job to be with my family, there are things in our future that I can't really talk about on the Internet that will effect us deeply. I want to be with my children and to keep myself sane want my children to be with me. Don't worry Jordan and I are completely happy and are in this for eternity but other outside things will bring changes to our life in the next two years.

Moving on from personal stuff to moving!!! Jordan and I's lease is up on the 18th of September! We couldn't be happier apartment life has been interesting and I am thankful for the experience but there are so many things I will not miss about it. An amazing opportunity has presented itself to us and we will be moving into a beautiful home in the Santa Clara area! The best part is the house is large enough that we will be moving in with my sister Sam and her little family. I am really excited because I enjoy being close to family and it will help the lonely drill weekends! Plus it is perfect because Braden gets to live with his best friend Colden! So yes this means we will be moving when I am 34 weeks pregnant but we won't be moving into the house just then. Unfortunately the house won't be ready for us to move in right away but that is okay. We will happily be moving back into my parents for a few weeks until the house is ready. So most likely we will be moving stuff the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I guess you could say we are crazy but I am okay with it. The more I have to do up until I deliver the better. If I stay busy then I won't be lazy lol. I am so looking forward to moving into this home and I most excited about all the beautiful storage space the house has to offer!

I think that is all the update I can give you for now. I wish I could say that I will be posting more within the next couple months but between packing, moving, weddings, and birthdays I am not sure if I will have as much time as I would like to post blog updates. However check out my Facebook I update that thing like crazy!

Oh Baby!

Well now that it is facebook official I thought I would write a blog post too! Through Gods grace Jordan and I are pregnant again!! It came as a shock since it took us a year to get pregnant with Braden and fertility drugs. I think a lot of it had to do with me exercising 3-5times a week. I wasn't losing weight but my body was beginning to get into a routine again. I've known I was pregnant since February 20th...and if any of you know me very well you know keeping this secret is a huge deal!! I did it for one whole month! Well I told a few people but hey facebook didn't know. I'm sure you are all wondering how I found out so I will tell you.

In January I purchased a 50 ovulation prediction kit/20 pregnancy test set. I noticed that my periods had started to become regular, so I downloaded an app on my phone and started keeping track of everything...and I mean everything. My tests were like PH strips and you have to wait 5 minutes to get a correct reading. I counted days and did my opk's and they all came back negative. Oh well life went on we weren't super trying to get pregnant so I wasn't too worried. I was at home one day and I had a migraine. I would randomly take pregnancy tests just because with my PCOS everything wasn't always 100% accurate, and my migraine medicine is most definitely not safe during the 1st trimester. So I took a test, waited 10 seconds the control line showed up I shrugged my shoulders decided it was negative and put it back in its package and threw it away. Later on that day I went back to the bathroom to go pee, and decided to look at the test just for the heck of it. I pulled it out of the package and to my amazement it was positive. I was shocked, and thought maybe it was a false positive so I dug deeper in the trash for an older test to see if it showed a false positive after 5 minutes. The older one was still negative. 4 tests later I was pretty confident in the fact that I was pregnant.

So yes I know this pregnancy is soon after my first pregnancy but I had no idea that my body would figure itself out or Heavenly Father would bless me with another baby so quickly. I feel extremely blessed for this 2nd baby and can't wait to see how great of a big brother Braden will be!

I love the dirt!!!

What a beautiful Fast Sunday we had today. I taught my Sunday School class for the first time, I was extremely nervous, but everything went smoothly. Of course while at church the dogs attempted to escape 2 times!! Jordan was sent home for dog sitting.

Duke is quite the little tyrant always breaking the fence and trying to escape. Kyo of course just follows Duke wherever he goes. Countless times we have repaired the fence, we got Duke a dog line and we hook that up to him when we leave, but he still gets out. So we got a choke chain and we hooked the dog line up to the choke chain, but somehow he managed to unhook his choke chain from the dog line crazy right?! We've tried kenneling him when we leave but he ripped a whole in his kennel. Duke has broken several window screens, and destroyed many bedrooms trying to get out when he is home alone. Today Jordan re-built the fence, and added some new stuff to it to make sure the Dogs can't get out. He even built a homemade gate out of old wood flooring for my Mom's garden. He is such a great guy. Sure he can be a little messy and I can to, but when he puts his mind to it he can build and fix the coolest things!! I love my husband!!

While Jordan was repairing the fence my Mom and I dug for potato's. I guess you could call it a rednecks garden because we planted the potato's in old tire wheels. I think it looks cool. Any who my Mom and I got to play in the dirt, digging up bugs, potato's, and some occasional pine cones. It was lots of fun, and a great way to spend a Sunday with family out in the sunshine!