In production.

Stay tune for upcoming blog posts

1. Life during deployment
2. A book recommendation
3. Baby this mama is crazy: car seat review
4. Goals and where we are headed
5. My role as a Daughter of God
6. TV show guilty pleasures
7. A new poem

*These blogs may come to be or not. Just depends on how lazy I am. :)

You and Me

 Look at me, really look please just see me.

You look at me in shades of grey when I have lost my way

You see me in yellow as my joy brings the sun’s rays

But I am always tinted in red.

Don't deny it you don't see just me you see red and it is screaming of infidelity.

You have watched me in green foaming with jealousy

And loved me in hues of pink

But always I am shadowed by red and it screams of my infidelity.

You have witnessed me in white gleaming with innocence

Watched me fight through my blackest days

But it is in red I will always stay,

Screaming my infidelities

Who has painted me this way?

You reply I see you for you

You see me in green dripping with Jealousy

You see me in blue a whirlwind of my past

In red I have fought my way

A muddy brown speaks of the miles we've come

But hues of green, dripping with Jealousy

Just see me

You and Me

Silence the whispers that paint us this way

You are the artist I am the key

Just see me

Silence

Jealousy

Infidelity

Silence

You and Me

Love is all we see

It's Where my Demons Hide

It catches me off guard
The deep sadness that is your absence
Engulfs me in a dark flame
I scream but no one hears your name
Why can't it be different? 
Why can't you be here?
The smile etched across my face
It twitches slightly as I lose my grip
I am painfully silent
But that tear will slip
I hate this heartache that's been sent
The fire it burns but the water it drowns
Mask, mask, masquerade
Play it safe, keep it close
Breathe it in and push it down
Find a beat
Thump...thump..?...thump
It's there can't you see an irregularity
Darkness, light, sadness, hope
Wash, rinse, repeat
On the pyre I find the peace
Now I sleep...

Grace

There is an aching in my soul
A deep pain that I think no one else can know
I am alone, afraid, and I hurt
The despair chains me from the ankle
I fight to free myself, I search for a way
It is through his grace
Grace that lifts my burdens
Grace that heals my heart
Grace dries my tears, grace conquers my fears
I have wondered times if he has forgot, forgot me in my pain
I look back and see
That it was his grace that carried me
Grace answers for my sins
Grace forgives, grace forgets
When the world is ignorant to my pain
When the shadow has overcome the light
It is in his arms weeping I will stay the night
He will defend my soul
He has carried out my sentence
They hung him on a cross
They cursed his name, pierced his body
I cannot imagine the pain he felt
He did not have to drink from the bitter cup
The choice was his he could of said enough
But he died for me
For my children, for you, for all mankind
And for that I am forever grateful and indebted
My pain still comes
The sacrifice forgotten
With humility I always remember
And with his Grace he always forgives

Everyone remembers nothing is erased

I want you gone
It is unfair
It is wrong
You shouldn't be allowed to hold me like this
I shouldn't still taste your kiss
Leave me be with the shadows you left
Don't pull me in for a second of hope
I read to deeply, I see too much
It aches, it scars, it hurts
You said it was love
That I was your only
Mi Amour you spoke
Lies, deception
Days to months, months to years
I still question, wonder at you
I remember everything
Do you?
Do you remember what you promised me?
Do you remember stealing a kiss?
Hours in each others arms
You were so good at leaving
But a part of you has stayed
Do you see me?
Is there a small part of you that wonders?
Why won't you set me free
Set me free from your chains
Please
Everyone remembers nothing is erased
There is always a price
When will ours be paid
Let me go
Lay the ribbon to rest

Mon Âme

The Moon to the tide
He pulls on me
The Willow in the wind
Bonded for eternity
If his heart breaks
Mine as well will ache
It is not dependency
But souls intertwined as one
He is my heart, he is my reason,
The thing that keeps me breathing
If he is the thunder, I am the lightening
He is the better half of me
I thought I knew love before him
I thought I could love after him
But true love was always back to him
It was and will always be him
Wolf to the Moon he calls to me
Sand to the Sea
Always, always part of me.

Into the Madness

                            

Into the Madness

I am on a Journey

And I seemed to have lost my way

The fog it thickens

My mind wanders

Is it night or could it be

Day?

The path is worn 

But the wilderness is overgrown

Like lace across my face

The cobweb sticks

Ophelia, Ophelia

I laugh and the abyss responds

My gentle Love takes my hand 

I dance spinning round and round

The dandelions begin to flutter

Stars twinkle their eyes

Alice, Alice

Darkness envelops me

I relish in it's escape

I am crazed, Ha crazed

Find me an answer, Find me the one

The girl is tortured let's have some fun

Bellatrix, Bellatrix

I allow myself to be taken up into the Madness

For the moment the character is more enjoyable than the pain

I get them, I understand their story

Behind the craze there is a face

Behind the face there is a heart

At the heart is where it all will start

I love the Madness I find it beautiful, eloquent almost

I love the beauty

In the mirror I see

In them I find a little part of me

I am Ophelia heartbroken, I am Alice imaginative, I am Bellatrix misguided. I am me, I am them, where does it start? Right where it will end. 

I am Poem

I did something a little different today an I am poem. We did these in High School and I really enjoyed it. My High School one is a lot different than the one I wrote today. I encourage you to do your own "I Am" poem it is fun. I think I will do one every year and see what parts of me change and what parts are constant. The I Am poem I did today I got from a template here is the link if you would like to do it. And please if you are comfortable share below in the comments your poem I would love to read it. You could even post anonymously! 

I Am

I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend
I wonder if I am raising them right
I hear the cries and laughter of my children
I see smiles, and frustration wrapped up in one
I want him not to leave
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

I pretend I am a Mudblood of Harry Potter
I feel the heaviness of the fog
I touch a melody as it passes through the air
I worry he wont come home
I cry about being alone
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

I understand the gospel of Christ
I say I am a daughter of God
I dream seeing my children grow
I try to be the best person I can be
I hope I am making them proud
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend

For Safety, for safety

No one I can talk to

 No one to understand

 So I will become a chest

 Full of secrets and treasures

 As my ship sails out my anchor will fail

 I will take it all to the watery grave

 Don't wonder I ask

 Don't question

 I cannot say

 I cannot whisper

 All is heard

 Leave me be in the chains that bind me

 It is not what I want but what I need

 If I could I would let you in

 I would try and swim

 But remember it is my burden alone

 For safety, for safety

 I will sink the chest while the ship has sailed

 For safety, for safety

12/1/2008

Every day I drive by the place

And behind the door is your face

To my disgrace

I want to stop and walk the feet

To the point where you and I meet

Open the door, run inside
Unseen by the outside

Cars drive on unaware

As I remain stopped and scared

I told you a lie

Because he made me say goodbye

Now the door is locked

and unheard is my pathetic knock

I ask myself why am I here?

Thought I was going to stay clear

But the last time I walked out the door

A part of me was left wanting more

To my horror I saw a glimpse of what could be

Leaving and coming home to you

For a moment I traveled an untraveled road

For a moment the thought of us glowed

Reality over takes the Fantasy

Have to force myself so the truth is what I see

My fear binds and bounds me up

Need to let go but I can't grow up

I can't help but think you'll do to me

What she wouldn't allow herself to see

I'm left in this place

In front of the door that hides your face

And to my disgrace

I turn around and walk away

I walk the feet that separate you and me

Get in the car and turn the key

Cars drive unaware of my fears

They can't see my silent tears

Unknown to them a heart lies broken

Torn apart by words unspoken

We drive on in a sea of lights

Cutting each other off to win the fight

Numb to each others thoughts

So the hatred rots

Like the fear it tangles itself up in our veins

When we're all gone the hatred still remains

I'm not gone...just pregnant...new poem.

One of these days I will name names…but for now I don’t because then everyone knows who my poem is about and I think the mystery to poetry is important. It makes it so that when you read the poem it can be unique to you and personal. You can easily picture who you would write the poem about. If I told you it would ruin it for you personally. It’s like when they make a movie out of a book you’ve been reading and the characters almost usually never match your imaginations description.

Chaos, confusion, am I the only one losing?

And I’ll look for her in lines of your life

Secretly hoping you never make her your wife

I can’t help but smile when I see your face

I swear no one will ever take my place

I wasn’t the first nor was I the last

But I’m that unforgettable past

The one you think on

Wonder what went wrong…

Was it because I always loved him

Would you ever win?

And you’ll keep coming deep in the night

When my guard is down and I can’t fight

I want to reach out and pull you in

But remember you never win

And the music on the radio is so right

There playing all our songs tonight

I will beg you to let me be

As I move closer to you

This isn’t yin or yang

This is chaos

And we will never be the same

To write or not to write...out of my control.

It has been quite some time since I have written something. I know you are thinking um Alex you just posted like a week ago. But I don’t mean blogging I mean writing; a poem, short story, or beginning of a story. In my head I constantly am thinking of new things to write but I am struggling. My biggest problem is I don’t have any drama in my life. You probably are thinking isn’t that a good thing Alex, for me personally yes for my writing no. All of my writings have a piece of me in them some sort of truth that starts as a single thread and weaves itself into a beautiful tapestry. If you were to ask me about any one of my poems I could tell you what I was going through at the time, who it’s about, and what point I am trying to make. I need a little inspiration. So if you are willing please share with me your drama, lol share with me your pain your happiness, let me write you a story. Or if you like it would be fun reread some of my poetry or writings and try and figure out what my inspiration was. I gave a clue last week that my husband is the muse for most of my poetry. If you guess a name of someone the poetry is written about I will not say yes or no because naming names is not my thing I will leave that to Taylor Swift. But I will give you an insight to what was really going on in my life at the time, and you can figure it out yourself. Also not everything written in the poem is 100% about the person I start writing about, the writing takes over me and the end result is never my beginning intention it is much better! 

Poets Corner

Unheard Apology
By Alexandria J. Eliason


And it took me too long to realize
The reason you left was not my fault
You told me you couldn't love me until I quit loving him
But what you really meant to say was
You couldn't love me because you were still in love with her
I wondered if I was not worth the fight
I wondered if you were right
Looked in the mirror at a face full of flaws
Cried in the night for a reason why
I applaud your lies
And that beautiful disguise
Tried to blame me and my caring heart
But we were both the ones to tear us apart
Because you were right; I was still in love with him
But you were wrong saying he was why you couldn't love me
Because I was right to walk away
But I was wrong leaving you that way
Confused and hurt I lashed out at you
Confused and hurt you lashed out too
And now all that's left is a broken song
Loved you I did, but not like I love him
Cried for you I did, but not like I cry for him
Smiled for you I did, but not like I smile for him
Laughed with you I did, but not like I laugh with him
I never knew love could destroy love
But I want you to know that it doesn't matter
I owe you an apology but my pride won't let me speak
Really when you denied me love
You opened my heart to true love
So here is my unheard apology
I wish you only the best
And thank you for all the rest

Poets Corner

Our Perfect Storm
By. Alexandria J. Eliason


Your eyes were every different shade of grey
A perfect storm that made my day
I was surprised I never drowned
In the beautiful chaos we had found
Holding tight to the man I knew
Promising I will always love you
So when the floods came and the water rose
Instead of failing our love it grows
We were made from the ashes of a fire that burned
We weathered the frost with so much to learn
The winds then blew
And we new exactly what to do
Hand in hand we conquered it all
A love bound by God was our reason for resisting a fall
And as long as we keep love in our hearts
The hurricanes will never tare us apart

Poets Corner

Ebb and Flow

By Alexandria J. Eliason

The ebb and flow of the tide
It has a natural order to life
While my life is chaotic
Some days I just want to hide
There is just too much strife
I'm acting strange.....maybe neurotic

I try and grasp at structure
Breathe in stability
And maybe smell the roses
My heart instead ruptures
I tremble with fragility
Feeling fake, striking these poses

My smile it's weak
Eyes are constantly grey
A storm is brewing in the distance
Words tumble out, but how do I speak
The nightmares won't stay at bay
Time to drop this resistance

It's just the ebb and flow
The natural order to my life
Constantly have to fight these demons away
One day the pain will fade
Already my faith begins to grow
I see the Lord's light
And for all the right reasons
I'll say my prayers tonight

Writing again...

A doppelgänger or fetch is the fictional ghostly double of a living person, a sinister form of bilocation.
In the vernacular, "Doppelgänger" has come to refer (as in German) to any double or look-alike of a person. The literal translation of the German word is "double–goer," meaning someone who is acting (i.e. going) the same way as another person. The word is also used to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in peripheral vision, in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a reflection. They are generally regarded as harbingers of bad luck. In some traditions, a doppelgänger seen by a person's friends or relatives portends illness or danger, while seeing one's own doppelgänger is an omen of death. In Norse mythology, a vardøger is a ghostly double who precedes a living person and is seen performing their actions in advance.

Doppelgänger

By. Alexandria J. Eliason

And I wonder why

Why you won't leave me be

And I always try

Try to ponder what I see

It's in his baby blue eyes

That I go weak at the knee

I try to block you out

And remember who really is in front of me

I don't know what your about

But it's plain to see

You won't let me forget anything

And it caught me off guard the first time

Bringing back memories I'd gladly forget

But I lose myself in his smile

So I have found ways to remove him from my life

And try to look past the disguise of your face

Because he is you, and you left a long time ago

I can't...can't find a way to see him

When it's always you

And I can't bare to see him

When your broken promises lie across his face

I can't see him

When you whisper memories of our kiss on his lips

I can't see him

When it's your hands I see

I can't see him

When it's you who gets me lost in his eyes

I can't find the place where you and him are different

And I wonder how long you will decide to plague me with remembrance in his gaze

I beg of you take your doppelgänger away

Poets Corner

Warning: The poem your about to read does not have a happy ending. Life and love don't always work. Too often we are caught up in what we think the other one is thinking or what we are thinking that we miss out on love and friendship. This poem has no reflection on my marriage, I am completely happy I promise. I hope you like it. It was hard to write, because I love happy endings.

Thoughts...
By Alexandria J. Eliason


What she thought...
I thought you would have been the easiest to let go of
Your heart was never really mine
I knew what we had wasn’t love
Could clearly see the signs
Stubbornly I forced myself blind
But I remember...
It was in your eyes on that first day
The sun poked through the clouds
It was early May, the flowers grew
Back when I thought I loved you
And you loved me
I smiled but didn’t know what else to do
Because...
I could see you were already gone
It turns out the one thought to have been the easiest
Was the hardest to leave behind
Long will I wonder why...
Why I couldn’t make you mine

What he thought...
Beauty kissed you gently making you easy to miss
I thought I could never let you go
I knew what I saw in your eyes
Long I tried to make you forget
Swore I had erased him in that first kiss
But I remember...
It was there that first day, and in your eyes in the October rain
I watched you pack, get in the car, and drive away
I cried after you, swore I loved you
But you were never mine to love
Only to hold for a few moments
I smiled but didn’t know what else to do
Because...
You were holding on to something already gone
It turns out the one thought to have been the hardest
Was the easiest to leave behind
Long will I wonder why...
Why I ever gave you the time

Happy Birthday Jordan!

His side

~She always sang her own song. Danced to her own beat of the drum. Charismatic people flocked to her side. Eyes gleaming, smile shining laughing out loud. She caught his eye. From a distance he watched as she gracefully wandered the room. Always surrounded he didn't see a way in. In one life changing moment their eyes locked. And the world stopped, the people around her drifted to the background as she made her way slowly to his side.

~Introductions led to firsts, holding hands, secret kisses. Along with the happiness came the troubles. Doubters whispered lies in their ears, hopeing to end what they thought wasn't right, "Too young" they muttered, "Too young to love so much." Confused and scared she drifted back to the life she lived before. Longing to return to his side.

~From a far they watched eachother forced smiles on their lips, eyes pained with loneliness. Happy were they who fought so hard to get them apart. Little did they know what's meant to be will always find a way. And a love like theirs found it's way. With her mask on the ground he found her with tears not even making a sound. He kneels, whispered softly, tells her to take his hand, and he leads her back. In a dress fitted for a Queen she enters the room. A hush fall on the crowd. Beauty undescribable they wait for her to descend. A wave of shock surges through the people, as they see him emerge from the shadows. Her eyes full of love, she takes his hand, and all witness her return to her rightful place by his side.

~In years to come some will still try and destroy what is meant to be. Set is stone is the love they've made, a love to last an eternity. And all the while faithfully she'll remain by his side.


Happy Birthday Jordan Blake Eliason. I am so happy you were born! I don't know where I would be without you. Please don't ever change a thing, I love you very much! I've had the time of my life fighting dragons with you!

Love,
Alexandria J. Eliason

Poets Corner

Loving A Rose

By Alexandria J. Eliason

To him she is his everything

The one who makes his heart sing

He would die and live for her

If she had cancer he would find the cure

Loves her more than life itself

Has a picture of her on every shelf

And she is a rose beautiful and cruel

In the end she will play the fool

She treats him like a door mat

Walks all over him until he is flat

But he can't help but love her

Even though it kills him

Her thorns wrap around his heart

With each different boy they dig deeper

He's constantly broken and fallen apart

But back for more just one more chance

She begs him on her worn out knees

Promises it won't happen again

With silent tears he let her back in

She is just a rose beautiful and cruel

But in the end she'll be the fool

When it's too late to change he'll already be gone

As a rose comes to life it will also die

And when she has lost her gardener she will be lost

Breath will escaper her lungs, light will fade from her eyes

But with her luck she will stay alive

Forced to watch him be happy without her

He will fall in love with someone else

She will be left behind wishing she had changed

But he will move on because....

Loving a daisy is so much easier than loving a rose

Poets Corner

Descent

By Alexandria J. Eliason

Her Part

Put down my bag, hang up my coat

The silence is eerie as I begin the descent

Towards the room where you and I lie

I should by now be ale to hear your breathing

You should by now be sleeping

Walk past the photographs

They mock me with their happiness

Make a stop at the first door on the right

Strip down to my skin, turn on the water to hot

Postponing the event

Wash my skin, brush my teeth, towel in hair

Robe around, feet bare

I continue towards the door

Hand on knob, heart in throat, breath is gone, tears in eyes, fear in mind

The handle turns, the door opens

The room is silent, I call your name

But no response, tears down face, hate this place

Clothes in drawer, bed is cold, empty

Open top drawer, pull out ring slip on finger, still not comfortable

Out of bed in the closet, grab a shirt pair of pants

Lay them beside me

Fall asleep to the lullaby of my cries

Fall asleep wrapped in your old clothes

There all I have left now that you've gone

His Part

Hang up my coat, slip off my shoes

I can hear the hum of the fan from the room where you and I lie

Stop at first door on the right

Strip down, warm water down my back

Mop up the mess, begin the decent

Switch off the light, walk out the door

By now I should hear you breathing

But instead a sort of faint screaming

Started as a walk, turned into a run

Hand on knob, heart in throat

Throw door open

Screams have turned to moans

As I eye my angel

Curled up in a ball

Tossing and turning she calls out my name

Caught in a dream I shake her awake

"Love" I say. Hush her cries, tell her it will be okay

"A nightmare" she whimpers.

Crawl on the left side, the right is hers

Hold her the way I've only held her

Kiss her forehead, warm her body

The trembling subsides soon hushed breathing

I lay awake holding my life

Grasping knowing in an instant she could be gone

I say a silent prayer, and my heart breaks as she turns to her side

Breathes in deeply and drifts away to a deep sleep

My wife I sigh, My wife and her nightmares.