I am not okay

October 26th 2014

Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes. 

I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.

With Love, 

Alexandria 

Grace

There is an aching in my soul
A deep pain that I think no one else can know
I am alone, afraid, and I hurt
The despair chains me from the ankle
I fight to free myself, I search for a way
It is through his grace
Grace that lifts my burdens
Grace that heals my heart
Grace dries my tears, grace conquers my fears
I have wondered times if he has forgot, forgot me in my pain
I look back and see
That it was his grace that carried me
Grace answers for my sins
Grace forgives, grace forgets
When the world is ignorant to my pain
When the shadow has overcome the light
It is in his arms weeping I will stay the night
He will defend my soul
He has carried out my sentence
They hung him on a cross
They cursed his name, pierced his body
I cannot imagine the pain he felt
He did not have to drink from the bitter cup
The choice was his he could of said enough
But he died for me
For my children, for you, for all mankind
And for that I am forever grateful and indebted
My pain still comes
The sacrifice forgotten
With humility I always remember
And with his Grace he always forgives