Before My Frontal Lobe was fully developed.

Everything is falling beautifully into place. I finally decided on a major and I am beyond excited to see it all working out. I am going to be a Psychologist, I haven't decided if I will be a High School Psychologist or teach Psychology at college level. Either way I will major in Psychology and master in Education.
I have been learning the coolest things about the brain, and body you guys! It seriously is so cool!

I specifically want to talk about the frontal lobe and my experience with it. Below are a generalization of the roles each lobe plays.  

Studies show(expect to hear that a lot from me lol) that your Frontal lobe is not fully developed until you are about the age of 24. Also as you age specifically hit your 80's, 90's, your brain begins to revert to it's beginning stages in the frontal lobe. (kind of like Benjamin Button) Young Men seem to struggle a lot more with frontal lobe development than young women. However women are not exempt and now I will share several examples that prove my frontal lobe was not fully developed. It helps explain though why young men, and old people can sometimes be just a tad bit immature.Like that one time your grandpa hit on your best friend...I mean if that ever happened because it didn't. 

Instance number 1 The Runaway Teen

Once upon a time I was a frustrated 17 year old girl. Mad at the world I packed suitcases and decided it was time for me to run away. In the heat of the moment I made my move. I drug my suitcases to my car piled them in, and locked myself in the car. I sat here probably for about 45 minutes. Jordan(boyfriend at the time husband now) shows up and we proceed to have this conversation.

Jordan: You ran away?

Alex; YES!

Jordan: To your car?

Alex: YES!(obviously I was in the car!)

Jordan: To your broken down car in your parents driveway?

Alex: YES!!(did I fail to mention that I ran away to my car that was broken down in my parents driveway)

Jordan just laughed and walked into my house, later on my dad (the one who calmly tries to fix it) knocks lightly on the door, says something sensible I agree grabs my suitcases and rolls them into the house for me. 

Instance number 2 The Bookshelf

Once upon a time I bought a cheap bookshelf from Walmart. I wanted so badly to piece it all together myself. What began hopeful soon turned sour, I was so frustrated I swear I was doing everything right. Jordan(still boyfriend) knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I needed help. At this point I realized I had completely done it wrong and definitely  needed help...however my frontal lobe was like "Alex you got this. What you should do is grab everything soft and chuck it at Jordan he is the one messing you up." (everything soft because I didn't want to hurt him) Thus ensues a battle of flying monkeys, bears, and pillows Jordan dodged left and right and finally retreated. We both were in tears his from laughter mine from frustration. I sat in a pile of self defeat, then a soft knock at the door of course it is my Dad he says something sensible, I listen he comes in pieces the book shelf together and leaves me to decorating it happily. 

Instance number 3 The Fone

Man dealing with me before my frontal lobe was fully developed must have taken a lot of effort. Kudos to all who dealt with me! I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 15 years old and technically I had to share it with my 12 year old sister...which I considered bogus! I was on said phone, Jordan(sister) asked to have it. I replied No. A battle of words began back and forth we fought and my final sentence ended the fight...and began a fit of laughter. 

I yelled "IT'S MY PHONE! F-O-N-E! I SPELT IT RIGHT TOO!"

Silence....

More Silence...

"I spelt it wrong didn't I?"

Laughter Fit

I chose to highlight my funnier pre-frontal lobe development. Unfortunately I have sad stories that also show my lacking frontal lobe development. Let's just be happy! 

Wait there is more...

Instance number 4 The Game of Life...

Once upon a time I was at my best friend Danikas' house. We were playing the game of life, and I was doing pretty well. I was a doctor had a huge salary, kept landing on free handouts, I was flying hi. Then my best friend and other friend decided to play a trick on me. They both accused me of cheating, I swore I wasn't but they continued to say I was cheating and lying. Fully developed frontal lobe Alex would had laughed it off, and said it is just a silly game...that Alex wasn't there. The Alex that was there grabbed the game threw it up in the air yelling...no screaming "I am not a cheater!" She then ran outside barefoot into typical Oregon weather buckets of rain. I guess I could have walked home but my mom was inside where I just had my not fully developed frontal lobe meltdown. 

Dear Frontal Lobe, thanks for taking your sweet time developing. 

You and Me

 Look at me, really look please just see me.

You look at me in shades of grey when I have lost my way

You see me in yellow as my joy brings the sun’s rays

But I am always tinted in red.

Don't deny it you don't see just me you see red and it is screaming of infidelity.

You have watched me in green foaming with jealousy

And loved me in hues of pink

But always I am shadowed by red and it screams of my infidelity.

You have witnessed me in white gleaming with innocence

Watched me fight through my blackest days

But it is in red I will always stay,

Screaming my infidelities

Who has painted me this way?

You reply I see you for you

You see me in green dripping with Jealousy

You see me in blue a whirlwind of my past

In red I have fought my way

A muddy brown speaks of the miles we've come

But hues of green, dripping with Jealousy

Just see me

You and Me

Silence the whispers that paint us this way

You are the artist I am the key

Just see me

Silence

Jealousy

Infidelity

Silence

You and Me

Love is all we see

Baby this Mama is Crazy: Follow my Toddler on Twitter

As the world continues to advance technology wise I find myself adapting. I am an old fashioned kinda gal I would take a real book over an e-book any day. When it comes to my children I have decided to continue an old fashioned baby book, and also adapt to the world around me.
I have created an email account for both Braden and Blake. By doing so I hope to email them weekly, monthly,  or whenever I remember about our lives. My emails will most likely be what we did that day, a story about them, things they like/dislike, and pictures I have taken of them recently.  My hopes in creating the emails is so one day I give them the password and the email account reflects a happy fulfilling childhood.
Babies and toddlers have Facebook now, and I get it. I can remember thinking why would someone do that. Now I know it is a way to keep track of memories. Create a Facebook, an email, or an instagram. Share with your babies what they did today, share how much you love them.
I don't know if my boys will even care later on, but I know in my heart that there is a purpose behind my madness. I love my kids, and this is a quick easy way to express my love a little more to them.

Remember to each their own.

Baby this Mama is Crazy: The Sock War

Let me introduce you to my 1 year old Blake. He loves to pull his socks of his little toesies with a passion! It happens to be getting colder, and he needs socks on his toes. I put socks on he takes them off, I put them back on he takes them off. Ladies and Gents it is a constant battle, one I always end up losing! And when I lose those poor little toes turn purple from the cold, and concerned people say "Why isn't your son wearing socks." 

This Mama was tired of the sock war, and all the comments from concerned individuals. So what did I do I went out and I bought my son thick tights that are meant for girls. One grey pair and one blue pair to start out with! Guess what those tights stay on his toes, his toes stay warm, and you can't even tell he is wearing tights unless you change his diaper. 

I began to search for tights for boys, which are hard to come by because apparently I am the only person who has ever thought of this...NO! H&M has super cute tights for boys, they are dinosaurs, cars, stripes, they are adorable. My toddler wants to wear them. Maybe someone will see this and tap into a boy tights industry because seriously I would by them, and I am sure many mommas facing the sock war would invest in tights too. 

Look what is on it's way for Christmas...

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

My mind sometimes wanders to the past, especially to my several failed relationships. Five to be exact, I am not as crazy as some of you think. For the longest time I fought myself, I didn't want to accept the fact that a part of me had loved any part of them. I was embarrassed, ashamed that things didn't work out.
Don't get me wrong I am madly in love with Jordan. I am happy he is my husband, and grateful he is mine for eternity. It is hard though to forget the past because I always feel there is something wrong with me and that is why my relationships failed. I am having a hard time letting it go I need to know why, or what I did wrong.
I am going to pause now take a deep breath and look at this differently.
We will refer to my failed relationships as FR.
The first thing I need to do obviously after breathing is accept the fact that some part of me loved FR, and because I am human and have a heart that part of me will always care about FR. I do not need to obsess over the reason/reasons why FR and I did not last. Instead I want to look at the time we shared with happiness, and not regret. Regret is such a heavy emotion it is something I don't need in my life. As I grow older unfortunately I find it easier to pinpoint moments in my life of immaturity. Said immature moments caused me to behave in ways I hope I never repeat.
I want to talk about the part of me that cares for FR. That does not mean I dote on them, and hope they dote on me. It means I wish them happiness in all areas of there life. It means I want them to be successful, to have families, to love and be loved. I would hope if ever they think of me they wish the same things for me.
The hardest part at failed relationships is the loss of the friend not the boyfriend. It is very difficult but possible to remain friends after a failed relationship. You wish you could go back and save yourself  from the pain of losing them, but you can't. You can only move forward. Understand this nothing will be the same, it will never go back to how it was.
So what do you do with that? You take a deep breath, accept it, let it go, and move on.
Why? Because you know they are happy, they are loved. Also you have a super hot army man that chose you to be his wife, and mother of his children. You wouldn't change any part of the past because the past made you the person yoy are today. You are grateful for all aspects of the relationship the beginning and the end. You are grateful because it gave you knowledge, you are a better person because of it. You are happy, you are loved, and when you think of FR you smile at the memories, and lessons learned. You are going to be okay.

I am not okay

October 26th 2014

Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes. 

I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.

With Love, 

Alexandria 

It's Where my Demons Hide

It catches me off guard
The deep sadness that is your absence
Engulfs me in a dark flame
I scream but no one hears your name
Why can't it be different? 
Why can't you be here?
The smile etched across my face
It twitches slightly as I lose my grip
I am painfully silent
But that tear will slip
I hate this heartache that's been sent
The fire it burns but the water it drowns
Mask, mask, masquerade
Play it safe, keep it close
Breathe it in and push it down
Find a beat
Thump...thump..?...thump
It's there can't you see an irregularity
Darkness, light, sadness, hope
Wash, rinse, repeat
On the pyre I find the peace
Now I sleep...