I am not okay

October 26th 2014

Often I find people asking me if I am okay. I smile and say "Yes I am okay." In reality I am not okay. Most days I am barely making it. I know my situation could be worse. I know I have amazing support, but it is a struggle for me to function in his absence. A constant battle to be happy. I am not okay, but I am trying. I am not okay but for the most part I try to be okay. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want pity. Truth I want my husband home so we can argue about silly things so he can kiss me goodbye, so we can hold hands, watch Sherlock, raise our children together. So he can laugh at my strange sense of humor so I can get lost in his eyes. 

I know as much as I want him home he wants to be here. I have to be fragile, take care of him, I need him focused, I need him assured, if there is any amount of doubt in his mind, that doubt could lead to a mistake a deadly mistake. I can't risk that. I have to keep him safe, me safe, the boys safe. How do I protect everyone when I can't even protect myself? How do I comfort them when I need comfort? How can I be their Savior? I can't. I am not alone, the Lord is on my side he is our Savior. He is the anchor, the calm in the storm. He has felt this pain, he walks in our shoes, he understands the ache in my soul. He will guide us all safely home. I am not okay but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will be okay.

With Love, 

Alexandria 

It's Where my Demons Hide

It catches me off guard
The deep sadness that is your absence
Engulfs me in a dark flame
I scream but no one hears your name
Why can't it be different? 
Why can't you be here?
The smile etched across my face
It twitches slightly as I lose my grip
I am painfully silent
But that tear will slip
I hate this heartache that's been sent
The fire it burns but the water it drowns
Mask, mask, masquerade
Play it safe, keep it close
Breathe it in and push it down
Find a beat
Thump...thump..?...thump
It's there can't you see an irregularity
Darkness, light, sadness, hope
Wash, rinse, repeat
On the pyre I find the peace
Now I sleep...

Grace

There is an aching in my soul
A deep pain that I think no one else can know
I am alone, afraid, and I hurt
The despair chains me from the ankle
I fight to free myself, I search for a way
It is through his grace
Grace that lifts my burdens
Grace that heals my heart
Grace dries my tears, grace conquers my fears
I have wondered times if he has forgot, forgot me in my pain
I look back and see
That it was his grace that carried me
Grace answers for my sins
Grace forgives, grace forgets
When the world is ignorant to my pain
When the shadow has overcome the light
It is in his arms weeping I will stay the night
He will defend my soul
He has carried out my sentence
They hung him on a cross
They cursed his name, pierced his body
I cannot imagine the pain he felt
He did not have to drink from the bitter cup
The choice was his he could of said enough
But he died for me
For my children, for you, for all mankind
And for that I am forever grateful and indebted
My pain still comes
The sacrifice forgotten
With humility I always remember
And with his Grace he always forgives

Wordless Wednesday

Everyone remembers nothing is erased

I want you gone
It is unfair
It is wrong
You shouldn't be allowed to hold me like this
I shouldn't still taste your kiss
Leave me be with the shadows you left
Don't pull me in for a second of hope
I read to deeply, I see too much
It aches, it scars, it hurts
You said it was love
That I was your only
Mi Amour you spoke
Lies, deception
Days to months, months to years
I still question, wonder at you
I remember everything
Do you?
Do you remember what you promised me?
Do you remember stealing a kiss?
Hours in each others arms
You were so good at leaving
But a part of you has stayed
Do you see me?
Is there a small part of you that wonders?
Why won't you set me free
Set me free from your chains
Please
Everyone remembers nothing is erased
There is always a price
When will ours be paid
Let me go
Lay the ribbon to rest

Mon Âme

The Moon to the tide
He pulls on me
The Willow in the wind
Bonded for eternity
If his heart breaks
Mine as well will ache
It is not dependency
But souls intertwined as one
He is my heart, he is my reason,
The thing that keeps me breathing
If he is the thunder, I am the lightening
He is the better half of me
I thought I knew love before him
I thought I could love after him
But true love was always back to him
It was and will always be him
Wolf to the Moon he calls to me
Sand to the Sea
Always, always part of me.

Into the Madness

                            

Into the Madness

I am on a Journey

And I seemed to have lost my way

The fog it thickens

My mind wanders

Is it night or could it be

Day?

The path is worn 

But the wilderness is overgrown

Like lace across my face

The cobweb sticks

Ophelia, Ophelia

I laugh and the abyss responds

My gentle Love takes my hand 

I dance spinning round and round

The dandelions begin to flutter

Stars twinkle their eyes

Alice, Alice

Darkness envelops me

I relish in it's escape

I am crazed, Ha crazed

Find me an answer, Find me the one

The girl is tortured let's have some fun

Bellatrix, Bellatrix

I allow myself to be taken up into the Madness

For the moment the character is more enjoyable than the pain

I get them, I understand their story

Behind the craze there is a face

Behind the face there is a heart

At the heart is where it all will start

I love the Madness I find it beautiful, eloquent almost

I love the beauty

In the mirror I see

In them I find a little part of me

I am Ophelia heartbroken, I am Alice imaginative, I am Bellatrix misguided. I am me, I am them, where does it start? Right where it will end.