Braden Time

Braden is 11 months old now and is pretty much the cutest thing ever. Braden started army crawling when he was 9 months old but didn’t start crawling until last month. So no walking yet, which secretly I am grateful. I have friends and even siblings whose children started walking before 1years old and I am happy I don’t have to chase after Braden just yet. Also because he is taking his sweet time to walk I get to convince myself my little baby is not growing up and will stay little forever! I know it won’t last and I am looking forward to not having to carry Braden everywhere. Not looking forward to all the bumps and falls that come with walking/running. Buggy is a tough little guy so I think he will walk it off jump up and run away. He hardly ever cries when he gets hurt which scared me at first but now I know he has a high pain tolerance. He cries sometimes when things happen but only for a second and he is on to the next thing.

Proud Mommy moment this week!! Braden is signing!! My sister signed with her little guy and he started signing back around 9months. I wasn’t as consistent with my signing to Braden mostly because I forgot, and when I would do it he would just laugh at me like I am crazy! He knows how to say “Doggy” and he understands “More, and All Done” Oh and he can sign “Milk” which we use for Breastfeeding. Funny story I signed to him “Milk” asking if he wanted to nurse he signed it back and then pulled at my shirt and nosed dived my chest. Lol never a dull moment with this kid. He sometimes signs “milk” when he is saying goodbye I don’t know why. Today I tried to teach him how to sign Mom and he just shook his head no at me.

Braden loves to laugh and climb everywhere. He absolutely loves his dog Kyo and Kyo is the first thing Braden looks for when he wakes up. We have been struggling with bedtime because for some reason he keeps taking his daily poop right at 9pm after we have laid him down. At least he is consistent. I am looking forward to School next term because I will be doing all online which means I can be home with my Braden Bug all week. Seriously love this little guy and I feel super blessed that I am his Mom. 

To write or not to write...out of my control.

It has been quite some time since I have written something. I know you are thinking um Alex you just posted like a week ago. But I don’t mean blogging I mean writing; a poem, short story, or beginning of a story. In my head I constantly am thinking of new things to write but I am struggling. My biggest problem is I don’t have any drama in my life. You probably are thinking isn’t that a good thing Alex, for me personally yes for my writing no. All of my writings have a piece of me in them some sort of truth that starts as a single thread and weaves itself into a beautiful tapestry. If you were to ask me about any one of my poems I could tell you what I was going through at the time, who it’s about, and what point I am trying to make. I need a little inspiration. So if you are willing please share with me your drama, lol share with me your pain your happiness, let me write you a story. Or if you like it would be fun reread some of my poetry or writings and try and figure out what my inspiration was. I gave a clue last week that my husband is the muse for most of my poetry. If you guess a name of someone the poetry is written about I will not say yes or no because naming names is not my thing I will leave that to Taylor Swift. But I will give you an insight to what was really going on in my life at the time, and you can figure it out yourself. Also not everything written in the poem is 100% about the person I start writing about, the writing takes over me and the end result is never my beginning intention it is much better! 

You know I'd fall apart without you.

Since it is the month of February I thought it would be best if I blogged about the love of my life. If any of you know me very well you know that I am a hopeless romantic. Picture a 13yr old girl laying on her bed reading Pride and Prejudice letting out a large sigh and wondering when her Mr. Darcy would come. For me falling in love was something I have decided I have only done twice all the other times I was infatuated but not in love. The first time I fell in love I was 13 and it was with my next door neighbor I know how cliché. Remember I am a hopeless romantic. I’m sure my best friend could tell you how hard I fell, I take that back three of my best friends at the time could tell you how hard I fell. Especially Rachel my soundboard to my romantic notions of a 13yr old. Needless to say time went on my romantic heart got broken, people literally moved on. Then I was 14 and I caught a glimpse of a boy who I thought to be particularly handsome. At a church dance a mutual friend introduced us and to her I owe everything because without that simple introduction I would have never been asked “What color is your toothbrush?” by that shy cute boy. Jordan and I’s story is long it is not all sunshine and rainbows and it is not the story I want to tell because some of it still hurts. All you need to know is we fell in love young and we fell hard. We were a modern day Romeo and Juliet and it was tough. I like to think that Taylor Swift writes her songs straight from my life…I mean Love Story had impeccable timing. Now you are probably wondering what my post is going to be about. My post today is going to be about the man I am married to today, not the young man who asked me what my color my toothbrush was or the man who even asked me to marry him but the man I sleep next to every night. My soldier, my husband, my partner in crime, my patient, my amazing, my love of my life, my Jordan(the boy).

                I don’t know if Jordan realizes how in love with him I am. He is so amazing and I am so blessed to call him my eternal companion. He has flaws but the funny part is those flaws are what make me love him. I literally would fall apart without him. Not only has he been a part of my life for the past 8 almost 9 years but he has been my husband for almost 3 of those years. He is kind, patient, impatient, and so cute when he is angry (this one gets me in trouble a lot I can’t help but smile or laugh when he is upset with me), he loves me for exactly who I am. I was once told I was like dating 10 different people because you never knew which me you were going to deal with. Jordan however characterizes me as one person and that is Alex. He thinks I’m funny (of course who doesn’t), he spoils me and we have intellectual conversations about stuff going on in the world. He values my opinion and asks for it. He knows certain situations make me uncomfortable and he does his best to make sure I am comfortable. He was my rock through our struggle to get pregnant and my rock even now. How could I not love him he gave me a beautiful son that looks just like him! He stands up for me to people he shouldn’t have to. He literally is my other half. My Mr. Darcy, Stephan, Edward, and Peeta, my hero and I his heroine, my muse for over 3/4^th of my poetry. I love him forever and always! Together we will conquer all! Happy Valentines  month Jordan I love you this big ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that means forever!!

My name is Alex and I have PCOS.

Hello Blogging world it is I Alex I know it has been a very long time and I apologize for the emptiness I have left you with. Do not think I have quit writing or that I have quit reading because I have not. I just have not had time to post because one I got pregnant woohoo, two I had my baby and three I start to write but then quit midway because I feel like it has been too long. So starting today I’m committing to writing at least once a month!

                I thought today I would share a personal thing something I have struggled with for quite some time but was not diagnosed with until about two years ago. My name is Alexandria and I have PCOS (PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman's body overproduces sex hormones, called androgens. The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may run in families. Follow the links below to find WebMD's comprehensive coverage about PCOS, what the symptoms are, how to treat it, and much more. http://women.webmd.com/pcos-directory)

                I feel that PCOS is a condition that many women suffer from but are not diagnosed until later years in life, such as when they are trying for children and sometimes then it is even too late for medical intervention. I would love to educate young people about PCOS, and explain to them that an irregular cycle is not normal even if you are playing sports or other things, that the reason why you can’t lose weight even though you are trying as hard as you can is not working for you, that extremely painful periods are not normal, and you don’t have to deal with the pain. If I would have known in High School I had PCOS I would have treated my body differently. I only had a few signs of PCOS in High School such as irregular cycle, intense ovarian pain, and cysts on my ovaries. But it was not until after High School more severe symptoms encroached on my life. Within two years I had gain 40lbs granted in High School I did struggle with eating disorders. And I could not lose those pounds, and another year went by I gained another 20lbs. It was heartbreaking I was so upset and so disappointed in the chubby person I was becoming.

                Jordan and I got married summer of 2010 and we both knew we wanted to start trying right away. This my get a little detailed but hey it is educational. We were newlyweds it wasn’t like we weren’t trying; we just weren’t succeeding in the whole ego being prego. July no period=false pregnancy tests, August no period=false pregnancy tests, September no period=false pregnancy tests. I say tests because it was never just one test. After seeing so many false pregnancy tests my heart was broken and fear crept in. So I scheduled a Doctor’s appointment with the Gynecologist. I explained to her what was going on in my life irregular period, false pregnancy tests, and very painful periods. She did some blood work and said she would give me a call. I missed the phone call and got a message that said this “This is Doctor ______ I am calling to let you know about your test results. You don’t need to worry but you should call me back when you can.” I freaked out who says you don’t need to worry but you need to call me no one in their right mind expects a person to be completely cool about that sentence right?? So I called her right back and she told me I have PCOS and said I should schedule an appointment to come in and talk about treatment. I scheduled my appointment and then I did the worst thing possible I googled it.

The first thing I saw and was burned to my mind was the word and I swear it was in all caps INFERTILITY. My world came crashing down; all I ever wanted was to have children. To be big and pregnant and eat pickles with ice-cream. I cried and I asked Heavenly Father why? Why me? He knew I wanted to be a mother and how dare he take that away from me, how dare he hurt me this way. It was a very low moment for me spiritual and emotionally. Looking back now I wish I would have reacted differently that I would have thanked Heavenly Father for the blessings I did receive and not accuse him of intentionally depriving me of what I wanted most. But I didn’t I spiraled down, and the black depression I surrounded myself with was much safer than whatever else there was.

                My treatment consisted of two medications Metformin and Provera. Metformin was to be taken 3 times a day, and it had awful side effects. It changed my taste buds, and made me physical ill all the time. I vomited after drinking fruit punch because it was so high in sugar. Any time I ate fried food I got super sick. You think it would be a plus especially since I was trying to lose weight. It was terrible I lost my appetite and I was still not pregnant. Add in Provera; Provera is a birth control (wait birth control while trying to get pregnant?? I know weird right). Take the Provera for 10 days and if I started my period 3 days later I was obviously not pregnant. Well needless to say my period would wait 5 days to come and I would pee on that stupid stick on the 4^th day. Negative, negative, negative. One time my mom came home and I was lying on the couch eating Reese’s with empty wrappers all around me in sweat pants. I looked up at her and said “I started my period, don’t judge me.” What a pitiful creature I had become I am sure everyone could say I was a huge joy to be around. Not being pregnant was really starting to take its toll on me emotional wise. I scheduled another appointment to talk about other options. My Doctor then goes to tell me she thinks I should finish school first and put off having children I smile and nod but in my head I am thinking this lady is very presumptuous and I am taking my business(no pun intended) elsewhere.

                Introduce Doctor number two. What a wonderful man my OB/GYN is if you want his name I will gladly private message you. It may have helped that my Doctor was of my same faith and understood the importance of family for me. He listened and he said okay we have a few options and he told me about Clomid a fertility drug used for women who are struggling with getting pregnant. In April I do my first dose of Clomid, and in May I see negative tests. June round two of Clomid; lots of ovulation prediction tests, counting days and interrupted family camping trips. It is amazing how quickly you can get pregnant when you actually do get pregnant. Two weeks after fertilization, my husband at annual training, completely home alone I went and got a pee test on a hunch. We had been at the Olive Garden a week before and I had quit eating my meal halfway through because I was sick, also I took a nap during the day and still was tired enough to go to bed at eight(not normal for me), and most importantly I could not get enough of BLT’s. I peed and then watched as the test began to display the results…one line…two lines. 4 tests all together it was legit I was finally pregnant, and I cried so happy I cried. I called my husband and got his voicemail I left a shaky message and he called back asking what was wrong. I told him I was pregnant he did not believe me and I said “Jordan in the biblical way I am with Child.” It was a perfect ending to a horrible year of negative pregnancy tests.

                I know some people read this and have no sympathy for me because I only struggled for a year. And you are right my pregnancy struggle was only a year, and I feel completely lucky for the baby I have now. My heart goes out to every single woman whose heart aches from the emptiness they feel, the depression they are struggling with. Infertility or the struggle of getting pregnant sucks, I know it sucks I have felt but a small year of that pain, but I do know someone who has felt all of that pain and sadness Christ.

Remember when my spirituality wavered; don’t think for a second it returned with that positive pregnancy test. It was months before as I studied Elizabeth and Zacharias life in the Scriptures. What powerful revelation I received, it was then in that moment I quit praying asking to become pregnant but began to pray for strength to accept the Lords will. My prayers always ended with “Not my will, but thine.” I prayed for comfort and peace to be able to accept whatever challenges I would face. And the moment I found out I was pregnant I knelt and I gave a prayer of gratitude. The challenge of PCOS is one that will last me a lifetime and if I am only able to have one child I am at peace with it. Because my heart knows that the Lord has a will and he has a way, and he will bless me with plenty of opportunities to nurture and love others. I have a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ without it I would not be able to reflect on this and see the blessing within it. My heart is full of gratitude for the child I have, and is hopeful of more children. Remember though I am at peace and I have accepted the challenge of PCOS and I will not let it control me or conquer me. For those of you struggling do not think you are alone for a second and if you need someone to talk to I am a great listener! Not my will but thy will be done!

Sincerely,

A Daughter of God with a lot on her mind.

Poets Corner

Unheard Apology
By Alexandria J. Eliason


And it took me too long to realize
The reason you left was not my fault
You told me you couldn't love me until I quit loving him
But what you really meant to say was
You couldn't love me because you were still in love with her
I wondered if I was not worth the fight
I wondered if you were right
Looked in the mirror at a face full of flaws
Cried in the night for a reason why
I applaud your lies
And that beautiful disguise
Tried to blame me and my caring heart
But we were both the ones to tear us apart
Because you were right; I was still in love with him
But you were wrong saying he was why you couldn't love me
Because I was right to walk away
But I was wrong leaving you that way
Confused and hurt I lashed out at you
Confused and hurt you lashed out too
And now all that's left is a broken song
Loved you I did, but not like I love him
Cried for you I did, but not like I cry for him
Smiled for you I did, but not like I smile for him
Laughed with you I did, but not like I laugh with him
I never knew love could destroy love
But I want you to know that it doesn't matter
I owe you an apology but my pride won't let me speak
Really when you denied me love
You opened my heart to true love
So here is my unheard apology
I wish you only the best
And thank you for all the rest

Poets Corner

Our Perfect Storm
By. Alexandria J. Eliason


Your eyes were every different shade of grey
A perfect storm that made my day
I was surprised I never drowned
In the beautiful chaos we had found
Holding tight to the man I knew
Promising I will always love you
So when the floods came and the water rose
Instead of failing our love it grows
We were made from the ashes of a fire that burned
We weathered the frost with so much to learn
The winds then blew
And we new exactly what to do
Hand in hand we conquered it all
A love bound by God was our reason for resisting a fall
And as long as we keep love in our hearts
The hurricanes will never tare us apart

Poets Corner

Ebb and Flow

By Alexandria J. Eliason

The ebb and flow of the tide
It has a natural order to life
While my life is chaotic
Some days I just want to hide
There is just too much strife
I'm acting strange.....maybe neurotic

I try and grasp at structure
Breathe in stability
And maybe smell the roses
My heart instead ruptures
I tremble with fragility
Feeling fake, striking these poses

My smile it's weak
Eyes are constantly grey
A storm is brewing in the distance
Words tumble out, but how do I speak
The nightmares won't stay at bay
Time to drop this resistance

It's just the ebb and flow
The natural order to my life
Constantly have to fight these demons away
One day the pain will fade
Already my faith begins to grow
I see the Lord's light
And for all the right reasons
I'll say my prayers tonight