Hello Blogging world it is I Alex I
know it has been a very long time and I apologize for the emptiness I have left
you with. Do not think I have quit writing or that I have quit reading because
I have not. I just have not had time to post because one I got pregnant woohoo,
two I had my baby and three I start to write but then quit midway because I
feel like it has been too long. So starting today I’m committing to writing at
least once a month!
I
thought today I would share a personal thing something I have struggled with
for quite some time but was not diagnosed with until about two years ago. My
name is Alexandria and I have PCOS (PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a
common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and
release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of
infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman's body overproduces sex
hormones, called androgens. The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in
the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs
bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed
periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may
run in families. Follow the links below to find WebMD's comprehensive coverage
about PCOS, what the symptoms are, how to treat it, and much more. http://women.webmd.com/pcos-directory)
I feel
that PCOS is a condition that many women suffer from but are not diagnosed
until later years in life, such as when they are trying for children and
sometimes then it is even too late for medical intervention. I would love to
educate young people about PCOS, and explain to them that an irregular cycle is
not normal even if you are playing sports or other things, that the reason why
you can’t lose weight even though you are trying as hard as you can is not
working for you, that extremely painful periods are not normal, and you don’t
have to deal with the pain. If I would have known in High School I had PCOS I
would have treated my body differently. I only had a few signs of PCOS in High
School such as irregular cycle, intense ovarian pain, and cysts on my ovaries. But
it was not until after High School more severe symptoms encroached on my life.
Within two years I had gain 40lbs granted in High School I did struggle with
eating disorders. And I could not lose those pounds, and another year went by I
gained another 20lbs. It was heartbreaking I was so upset and so disappointed
in the chubby person I was becoming.
Jordan
and I got married summer of 2010 and we both knew we wanted to start trying
right away. This my get a little detailed but hey it is educational. We were
newlyweds it wasn’t like we weren’t trying; we just weren’t succeeding in the
whole ego being prego. July no period=false pregnancy tests, August no
period=false pregnancy tests, September no period=false pregnancy tests. I say
tests because it was never just one test. After seeing so many false pregnancy
tests my heart was broken and fear crept in. So I scheduled a Doctor’s
appointment with the Gynecologist. I explained to her what was going on in my
life irregular period, false pregnancy tests, and very painful periods. She did
some blood work and said she would give me a call. I missed the phone call and
got a message that said this “This is Doctor ______ I am calling to let you
know about your test results. You don’t need to worry but you should call me
back when you can.” I freaked out who says you don’t need to worry but you need
to call me no one in their right mind expects a person to be completely cool
about that sentence right?? So I called her right back and she told me I have
PCOS and said I should schedule an appointment to come in and talk about
treatment. I scheduled my appointment and then I did the worst thing possible I
googled it.
The first thing I saw and was burned to my mind was the word
and I swear it was in all caps INFERTILITY. My world came crashing down; all I
ever wanted was to have children. To be big and pregnant and eat pickles with ice-cream.
I cried and I asked Heavenly Father why? Why me? He knew I wanted to be a
mother and how dare he take that away from me, how dare he hurt me this way. It
was a very low moment for me spiritual and emotionally. Looking back now I wish
I would have reacted differently that I would have thanked Heavenly Father for
the blessings I did receive and not accuse him of intentionally depriving me of
what I wanted most. But I didn’t I spiraled down, and the black depression I
surrounded myself with was much safer than whatever else there was.
My
treatment consisted of two medications Metformin and Provera. Metformin was to
be taken 3 times a day, and it had awful side effects. It changed my taste
buds, and made me physical ill all the time. I vomited after drinking fruit punch
because it was so high in sugar. Any time I ate fried food I got super sick.
You think it would be a plus especially since I was trying to lose weight. It
was terrible I lost my appetite and I was still not pregnant. Add in Provera; Provera
is a birth control (wait birth control while trying to get pregnant?? I know
weird right). Take the Provera for 10 days and if I started my period 3 days
later I was obviously not pregnant. Well needless to say my period would wait 5
days to come and I would pee on that stupid stick on the 4th day.
Negative, negative, negative. One time my mom came home and I was lying on the
couch eating Reese’s with empty wrappers all around me in sweat pants. I looked
up at her and said “I started my period, don’t judge me.” What a pitiful
creature I had become I am sure everyone could say I was a huge joy to be
around. Not being pregnant was really starting to take its toll on me emotional
wise. I scheduled another appointment to talk about other options. My Doctor
then goes to tell me she thinks I should finish school first and put off having
children I smile and nod but in my head I am thinking this lady is very presumptuous
and I am taking my business(no pun intended) elsewhere.
Introduce
Doctor number two. What a wonderful man my OB/GYN is if you want his name I
will gladly private message you. It may have helped that my Doctor was of my
same faith and understood the importance of family for me. He listened and he
said okay we have a few options and he told me about Clomid a fertility drug
used for women who are struggling with getting pregnant. In April I do my first
dose of Clomid, and in May I see negative tests. June round two of Clomid; lots
of ovulation prediction tests, counting days and interrupted family camping
trips. It is amazing how quickly you can get pregnant when you actually do get
pregnant. Two weeks after fertilization, my husband at annual training,
completely home alone I went and got a pee test on a hunch. We had been at the
Olive Garden a week before and I had quit eating my meal halfway through
because I was sick, also I took a nap during the day and still was tired enough
to go to bed at eight(not normal for me), and most importantly I could not get
enough of BLT’s. I peed and then watched as the test began to display the
results…one line…two lines. 4 tests all together it was legit I was finally
pregnant, and I cried so happy I cried. I called my husband and got his
voicemail I left a shaky message and he called back asking what was wrong. I
told him I was pregnant he did not believe me and I said “Jordan in the
biblical way I am with Child.” It was a perfect ending to a horrible year of
negative pregnancy tests.
I know
some people read this and have no sympathy for me because I only struggled for
a year. And you are right my pregnancy struggle was only a year, and I feel
completely lucky for the baby I have now. My heart goes out to every single woman
whose heart aches from the emptiness they feel, the depression they are
struggling with. Infertility or the struggle of getting pregnant sucks, I know
it sucks I have felt but a small year of that pain, but I do know someone who
has felt all of that pain and sadness Christ.
Remember when my spirituality wavered;
don’t think for a second it returned with that positive pregnancy test. It was
months before as I studied Elizabeth and Zacharias life in the Scriptures. What
powerful revelation I received, it was then in that moment I quit praying
asking to become pregnant but began to pray for strength to accept the Lords
will. My prayers always ended with “Not my will, but thine.” I prayed for
comfort and peace to be able to accept whatever challenges I would face. And
the moment I found out I was pregnant I knelt and I gave a prayer of gratitude.
The challenge of PCOS is one that will last me a lifetime and if I am only able
to have one child I am at peace with it. Because my heart knows that the Lord
has a will and he has a way, and he will bless me with plenty of opportunities
to nurture and love others. I have a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus
Christ without it I would not be able to reflect on this and see the blessing
within it. My heart is full of gratitude for the child I have, and is hopeful
of more children. Remember though I am at peace and I have accepted the
challenge of PCOS and I will not let it control me or conquer me. For those of you struggling do not think you are alone for a second and if you need someone to talk to I am a great listener! Not my will
but thy will be done!
Sincerely,
A Daughter of God with a lot on her mind.
